Thursday, October 01, 2009

.. quotes, mood and life...

How many times it happens in life that everything looks complete and your faith shakes whether you'll ever succeed in coming out of it or not? I do not know the answer, but I am sure there will be many, who have faced this unfortunate phase at least a few times in their life. Sometimes, thinking about bad times brings some comfort. Comfort that your past has given you the authority to crib, which you are told not to do. But this process is like taking drugs. Initially you like its tranquilizing effect that takes you to a different world and then it becomes your necessity. You need it to survive. Slavery!

Once I had read a statement, "I have learnt that dreams do come true". This sentence had a dramatic and very contradictory effect on me. On one hand, I felt desolated that some of my most dear and cherished dreams would never come true, on the other, I felt a strange hope that might be there is still a way to reach to them. But one thing is there for sure, you run after something and you find it going farther from yourself. And when you stop following it, you suddenly, one day, find it right at your doorsteps. Life is cruel and insane and capricious and you believe it or not.. it is bad with good people.

I agree that there will be people, who have seen such bad times, which I cant even imagine, but that does not justify my reasons of being sad. Why don't people talk about those living a happier life and ask you to be less happy, since, the others are in a better state. The entire mankind has this strange tendency of find solace in others misery. You feel angry over everybody. You want to break someone's head, but don't know whose. You want to hold some people, fight with them, shout over them and ask them, "why don't you understand that your being here can make all the difference, then why are you not here?" You do not get answers and you know that you'll never get them. We all know that we should not cry for people, because those who care do not let us cry and those who let us cry, do not care. I feel crying is not an act of cowards. What else should you do in these states of complete helplessness. I have personally experienced that at times, when you have cried your heart completely, you get a new insight towards the problem and your heart beat gets normal.

I know I am talking like a depression patient, but that is fine. I do not have to portray myself as this smart, rational, practical, intelligent female, who can handle everything under the sun. If this typical, emotionally weak, protection seeking female character can bring me some love, care and understanding from family and friends, I am okay with that.

And yes, for sometime, I donot want to talk to God also. He has not acted very different from the rest, either.