Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Random thoughts

Sometimes, you find that the unrealised forces of nature are taking you to a strange place. You feel threatened that this tornado might throw you far far away from your house and perhaps, you would never be able to come back. You desperately try to hold on to whatever you get at that moment, but you still find yourself moving with the force. And then it all gets silent and you are there, where you are destined to be. You like it or not. But I think, it does not mean that all hopes have ended. Wherever we are, a bright star will always shine over our head and it would always guide us back home... just as it guided those three kings to the king of the kings.

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I liked her eyes a lot... so much that on the first day I met here, I actually made a very cheesy statement - 'I am not able to take my eyes off your eyes'. She simply smiled, perhaps in her heart, laughing over my stupid compliment. Anyways, after that I preferred keeping quite before her. She was nice to me and I was new to the place, so I accompanied her twice for lunch. Not at all surprisingly, I made another stupid statement.. I started revealing my opinions about my colleagues, something which I was absolutely forbidden to do. Thankfully, I was very much aware of all the problems I was inviting and hence consciously told myself to keep quite. She again did not give any awkward reaction but definitely understood that I am a novice, who has got a lot to handle. My opinion about her did not change, yet. I was still liking her. But, yesterday.. the way she looked at the lady sitting in front of her. Her beautiful eyes had changed their colours. They were still wide, but now acting like an X-Ray machine. She was trying to pierce into that lady's body and wanted to know everything that was possibly going on in her subject's brain and heart. Her eyes looked very scary, giving her face a very cunning look. I told myself, she has to be a dancer. Her use of eye-brows was perfect to intimidate anybody. I don't know if that lady got intimidated or not... but yes of course, I got. I got scared with the speed those beautiful eyes turned into a mechanical device to gauge people. She knew that she has mesmerising eyes and she knew how to use them. I felt a kind of loss..

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I have a long list of friends, who really bother about me. I won't say that this is the first time I have realised anything like that. There have been a lot of moments when I felt quite blessed. But all those moments were very short lived. I usually complaint a lot to God .. always blaming him.. asking him one question - why the hell is this happening to me, knowing that it is not the worst that could happen to me and there are loads of people, who have successfully dealt with problems worse than mine. But then that is me.. I take three people very for-granted - first my mom, second God and third Arjun. I don't know.. how long Arjun is going to reserve hours of his day for me. But the rest two would remain in this list, forever. But there is one good thing - When I write I feel more positive. In many of my regular diary enteries, I have thanked God again and again, for giving me a lot of things, which I am not sure, if I really deserve. May be that is the reason, why God still loves me.. because somewhere he knows that I feel the same for him, even though I might be bad in expressing it.

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I usually find myself very incompetent for observing fasts. I do not like this feeling of being-hungry-but-unable-to-eat. But nine days of navratras is the time I wait for. I like fasting during navratras. Several times, mom said I should not be doing so, since, there is nobody to take care of my food and all, here. Everytime, I tell her that I'll 'try' to keep fasts as long as possible.. and would break them if I am not feeling comfortable. Thankfully, I never had to break my fast incomplete. Everytime, God made some arrangement. Now, I am bringing God here, because, I did not do anything special to get myself a promised meal, twice a day. It just happened.... just like that. For sure, I am not a very religious person. I do not like compulsive rituals.. or any religious habit that should be permanent in nature. I believe in worshipping God, whenever, wherever and howsoever I want. I believe that the only correct measure to reach to God is the one that does not bring me any unhappiness or inconvenience. I think God also thinks the same way and that is why he arranges convenient food for me, everytime.

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In last four years I have met a lot of people, who tried explaining me that I should not blog about each and everything of my life. Sometimes, they were very convincing also. But then the wisdom did not last for long and sooner or later, I came back to writing personal diaries on my blog. Now, I know that the only way to save myself from writing these details on this public forum is by not having a laptop. With continous jhatakas, which I received with complaints like how can you write this and that and about me and about you etc etc on your blog, I try to become a little vigilant. However, after short spans the eternal indifference comes back.. till the next jhataka. I think I have got used to of this liberty and even though I sincerely believe that my liberty should not create trouble for you.. I convieniently stretch my legs outside my blankett. It's like ignoring a red light on a lonely road. You know, red lights are supposed to be followed.. but you are not such a nerd to follow traffic lights, even when you are the only one travelling. Does the analogy make sense?

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There is one huge problem with being a grown-up and it gets worse, after you start earning. The problem of taking along some gift when you are visiting your relatives' place alone and after a long time. Mom would give suggestions of taking fruits etc.. but they look very wierd. First, fruits look very 'grown-up-kinda-stuff'... something, which perhaps your grandparents used to bring for you, second, good fruits are not available at all the places.. and third, if you get a place with good-looking fruits, they cost like hell. So, obviously.. you get confused.. as to why am I spending 180 bucks to buy 7 - 8 apples. Then the other suggestion comes of sweets. Needless to say.. sweets have become another precious item these days. Rs 600 for a kg of Kaju-katli makes it tastes completely out-of-the-world.. but only when somebody else is buying that for you. Now, I could neither buy 250 grms of any sweet.. nor invest the amount worth a branded T-shirt on a box of mithai for an obsolete relative, so the option gets ruled out. Then you come to eternal rescue - chocolates... available in all sizes and prices. Also, I like these small namkeen packages. They also offer a very good variety.. but are generally available during festival seasons only. These are very safe choices.. until and unless, your relatives are more than 55-years of age and live in a house absolutely without kids. If that is the case, I think we can go empty-handed.. or perhaps, buy fruits.

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