Friday, August 06, 2010

Pretensions.... not for me!!

Its almost 2'o clock in the morning and I feel the strong desire to close my eyes and fall down on bed. But what is stronger than that is the pleasure of being with yourself. Yeah! I could say that the times when I feel closest to myself are the ones, when I write. Despite the fact that blogs are public platforms, helping people to sneak into your lives, very conveniently, I proudly own each and every emotion depicted in these words.

So, life is seeing a helluva change.. (for good, though). All, never before turning into first timers and I am enjoying all these phases of transitions, where I find myself as a center of attraction and reason of joy for people I care. Most of the times, our lives do not turn out to be the way, we have imagined them to be. We can call it our short sightedness that most of our lives' imaginations are inspired by the things that we could see close by. We imagine our perfect lives with our present friends, jobs and eco-systems. Thankfully, God doesnt think the same way. He makes you a part of a much bigger picture and later you also realise that the proposition has come out really well and all this while, you were just getting frightened by some imaginary fears.

But these joyous transitions cajole you to forget some very pressing issues in life. Pressing, just for one person and that is you. They could swipe you off from the ground of purpose and make you indulge into pleasures that only look sustainable. This has happened with me so many times and every time I have promised myself to not let this happen again... but it did. However, the span of coming back has reduced significantly, proving that I am slowly but steadily learning from my mistakes.

Time and again I have realised that the only thing that gives us consistent joy and respect is the feeling of working for the purpose of our lives. Even the pain of sacrifices gets washed away from the self-respect that we earn while working for our dreams. I must say that I have spent a lot of time, before identifying what I could call my purpose in life. Also, in all these years I have been pretty cursory towards its fulfillment. Sometimes, I doubted my own intentions and commitment. But after every thing, my heart kept me coming back to it and now I feel that I have reached the point, where there could not be any turning back. I could now sense the honesty of fulfilling these dreams reaching to my soul.. and that turning to be a guiding light and a source of constant self-motivation. I may not have improved much.. but a change is definite and I give myself points for that.

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As I mentioned earlier.. life is on a 'changed-forever' gear. And biggest change is required to be brought into myself. I know that everything that we do is a representation of our character. But there comes a time in life, when everyone around you starts throwing that certificate on your face... and that time has almost come in my life. I know what is correct and what I should ideally be doing.. now the challenge is to execute the thought. And if soon I would not start applying gyan on myself.. I would be found burried under the pile of certificates with Grade-D.

Becoming what you are not is difficult for everybody. But, this is a complacent attitude. Why can't I be that ideal girl, I have written about in my diary so many times - that soft-spoken, calm, composed and wise girl, who knows what she is speaking and when to stop. Why do I always have to be this impulsive, impatient, irritating jerk. May be because that is what I am!! - Impulsive... Spontaneous... Impatient... Chatter Box. But this image is too hard for the world to handle and seeing them succumbing to this difficulty is hard for me as well. Now in this situation, I can only try to do something, which I have already tried to do a lakh times - 'try' to fit in into the former image. However, this time situation is very grave - something like abhi nahi toh kabhi nahi types - Lets see....