Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Some from so many..!

Today I met somebody, who reminded me of myself. Not exactly of myself.. but some one I was, may be ten years back. She was a chatter box.. laughing on her own jokes...nice  teeth.. and nice curves on her face, when she showed them... dusky complexion....very full of life.. careless dressing and carefree attitude.

May be because of the similarity, I found her charming. Sadly, I was not so charming. I did not in fact love myself as much as I guess she does, and that was showing on her radiant face. She had very ordinary features, but well placed and well made. And the best part -- she was thin!! Something I envied from the bottom of my heart. Although not-being-thin is not any trouble for me, but somehow clothes look better with lesser or no flab.

So... the girl will be in her early twenties... just as I was, few years back. Like most early twenties, she too was bubbling with optimism and enthusiasm. The good thing about watching her is that she did not give me any hint of pressure, something which comes bound with this age-group. Pressure to dress up in a certain manner, pressure to perform in a certain manner. I asked myself if I looked equally pressure less. Partially!! I was too stubborn to be molded by any external pressures... but I bore a lot of internal pressures turning arduous from time to time. And even today, after living a decade.. I still do not find them leaving me - this thought of not being free of my own prison, made me sad. But I drifted away from it and focused again on that girl.

She was wearing dark blue denims with a huge off-white jacket on top, paired with a pink cap and dirty white sneakers. I told you about careless dressing, no! She was on phone, those wide screen, delicate smart phones. Talking very swiftly, making sure no one else could hear her, usually giggling, occasionally nodding, and shying all by herself. It looked like as if she was talking to her boyfriend. She didn't look like a college goer as well, may be a fresher - an engineer perhaps. After talking incessantly to what appeared like half an hour, she got over with her call. For a while, she glanced out of the window only to return back to her cell. These days, smart phones keep you hooked with so many applications that you can spend you days and nights without needing anyone!

I remembered my time.. when smart phones were still under invention and QWERTYs were only for highly privileged ones. I had the normal key pad phone and used it for so much and so fast texting that some people expressed their concern about my thumb, which might quickly become dysfunctional owing to heavy usage it was undergoing. Gradually, texting reduced and so was the number of people, I used to text - and my thumb was saved. Now I don't do texting - except when it is really required, otherwise, I prefer a short call. My thought process broke as that girl picked up another call. I did not hear a ring, perhaps, because the phone was on silent mode. She resumed her routine of giggling, whispering, nodding and occasionally pouting.

I was watching her for sometime, slowly my mind meandered. Sun was setting and I was looking outside window. Sunset during winters are not very pleasant times. They happen too soon and bring in too much of chill. There was still a lot of time before I reach home. Suddenly the thought of being alone, outside home, in a chilled winter evening scared me. I was not alone literally. There were people around, lot of them. But I felt very lonely and the sad part is this feeling is becoming permanent these days. In fact, I guess, I have felt lonely as long as I could remember. Some where deep down, I am a lonely person. Sometimes, I enjoy being like that... sometimes, I freak out. But always I have found it difficult to accept. I have always wanted to fight this feeling, to eradicate it forever. But it never goes. I wonder, if other people think like that too. My eyes went again to that girl, still talking.. she had removed her cap and her long straight hair were coming on her face, which she was constantly removing, fixing them behind her ears.

I thought of calling somebody.. but to whom? There are friends.. family... I browsed through the phone book. Then I switched to the message book.. these days I read my old messages a lot. There are several messages, I have never deleted.. going back to them is a refreshing journey. I read about 50 of them, then started browsing images. There was my kiddo.. in all her eccentricities! She loves posing and in order to give a finishing touch, she would stick out her tongue to a side, just before the click. She is growing fast... talks so much.. asks so much...observes so much.. everything to my delight. Her thought gave me a strange sense of tickle. I anticipated her expression, when I will get home. I hoped she would not fell asleep by the time, I reach. I had a set of toys, I had bought for her. But I knew, its me, whom she is going to rejoice the most. That was a comforting thought. Suddenly I felt the urge to hold her in my arms. Suddenly the compulsion to not reach home immediately became too overbearing.

I again looked at that young girl. She is not a mother yet. I looked to other people. A lot of them will have a kid waiting for them at home. I felt a sense of pride in being in the other lot. Merely a thought that I have a two year old of my own was so satisfying. I wished, somebody here asks me about her. Talking to all that she does is a pleasure beyond description, the only problem is most kids do the same things and hence acquiring an interested audience, who could remain interested for a long time is a challenge. I laughed silently over my own plight. But suddenly I found a big contrast in the person, I was ten years back.. and the person I have become now. Suddenly, the sense of loss vanished and the sense of achievement prevailed. The achievement of seeing real life, real problems, real pleasures and real things.

For a moment, I found the internal pressure lifting. I knew the moment had a short life, but I preferred to dip into its aplomb. I closed my eyes and remembered "Every day in every way, I am getting better and better". I looked outside... the world was still the same... it has always been like this.. some people live a very easy life, some difficult. Some people get whatever they want... some ask, why is this happening to me... Some get rewards that perhaps they do not deserve... some wonder why is God unfair to them... Why knows? What God does and why? But, still the world is not that bad.. nor is life.. at the end, things get fine. No one is always happy and no one is always sad. Interestingly, things that make us so happy are usually the same ones that make us so sad. It's just a cycle!

My philosophy made me feel lonely again.. but this time for good. I knew I have somebody to thank... its all good... it has to, because I believe so. And I closed my eyes again.