Sunday, June 15, 2014

Midnight Banter

Sometimes at night, when without any reason I feel sleepless and when in the humdrum of environment, I realise no one bothers where I am, I feel scared. I feel scared of so many things, do you feel scared too?

I feel scared that the dreams I have might never get realized and I might just die one day, still thinking to achieve them.

I feel scared that the book that I have always wanted to write will actually might not come ever. Juggling between three ideas, may be I would never have enough time, will, and peace to sit down and make it have a trip beyond a few pages.

I feel scared that the people, who really love me, might leave me one day and those whom I consider a support right now, may not remain a support anymore.

I feel scared that I might end up with just wrong people. People who would never appreciate me for what I am, and would again make me believe that I am good for nothing.

I feel scared that I would never be treated as someone's priced possession, and all my life will be spent on arranging for myself the basic necessities of life.

I feel scared that those who depend on me for happiness might not get the brilliant lives I so much want to give them, purely due to my own incompetence.

I feel scared that my abilities might not get noticed and rightfully acknowledged.

I feel scared that while everybody around me will be happy and satisfied with their life, I would still be looking back at some closed doors again and again.

I feel scared that I would perhaps never develop the courage to reject that which does not deserve me, just because I am too afraid of losing.

I feel scared that perhaps I am way too optimistic and perhaps I must be getting worried about things.

I feel scared that someday my belief that God is watching over me might get just shattered and I would not be able to do anything about it.

I feel scared that life may not seem to be so easy to tackle in days to come, and would I be able to handle all of this.

I feel scared that while all my friends are living such happy and decent lives, would I be able to provide at least the same, if not better, to my child.

I feel scared that do I have anyone to hold me, if I fall and what is the price I have to pay for that.

I feel scared that what little I am left with, can be taken away from me.

I feel scared that what would I do with those, who will try to hurt me or those whom I love.

I feel scared that some misunderstandings would never be sorted and what rightfully belongs to me, would never come to me.

I feel scared that life is so fragile and I have so less control over it.

I feel scared that whatever I hold so dearly, would remain with me forever or not.

At times, I feel scared for so much that it kills me. Life suddenly looks like  a long ordeal, into which I am forcefully thrown. It doesnot appear to be a light hearted sequence of event, where at times, just rhythmic breathing is more than helping. At these times, I turn my head towards God and pray him to be with me, all the time. But then I get scared again and this time with the thought that what if God doesnot really exist!

Dear God, Love you! You are what I truly have!