Wednesday, January 06, 2016

52 weeks to de-shackling

I am a slave of my habits and breaking the shackles of my own habits seems as the hardest thing I will ever have to do.

There are things I know I should be doing and yet I am not able to do them. There are things I know I should not be doing and yet I do. I have spent a past few months in self-reflection and meditation and the results are startling. Not that I have come to see anything novel about myself, but the lack of self-control I have in almost all areas of my life - be it eating, living a healthy lifestyle, temperament, shopping, etc. - have left me shocked.

I am not being over critical of myself or anything; but then what is the point of having all this universe of knowledge if you cannot live a wonderful life yourself? Ones mental, physical and emotional health should be as good as they could be. Having a perfect body, a peaceful mind and happy state of being is something that every human being must strive for.

Such is my mental weakness that even though I am deciding to alter my life routine for good, I am not sure if I will be able to pull this ordeal off. The fact that I have a complete year to my disposal gives me encouragement, but this challenge is definitely going to be an act of tremendous soul-searching. I am going to pen down my steps as regularly as possible.

In 2014, I came out of a huge family turbulence which hit me to the core. After a good period of falling down and apart, I realized I have had hit rock bottom already, and hence there is not going to be any more falling. That brought me some relief as I gathered courage to bring myself together. The entire year was spent in finding answers to two very crucial questions - Where do I belong and What is it that I want? Thankfully that searching did get me some very important insights that I had been overlooking considering them to be too obvious. I was able to set my priorities and start re-building my forte.

2015 was more action oriented as I strengthened myself socially, emotionally, and financially. I revived my relationships with old friends and well-wishers. Being back on the job enhanced my circle and I felt wanted and useful again. Emotional and financial independence helped me evolve as a "giver" rather than just a "receiver", which I was up till now. I kept up with my reading on topics related to self-help, spirituality, psychology and likewise. Somewhere during the middle of the year, I realized that too much of reading without practice was doing more harm to me than good. It was clogging my head. I had started questioning everything and I was not able to see how to implement all these ideas into my life. There, I gave a break to further reading for a while. I started meditation. For first few days, sitting for 5 min in meditation came as the most excruciating experience. My entire body would itch and I would feel the strongest of the urges to move. But then with some time and practice, my mind accepted that it needs to be silenced. In about two months, I was able to peacefully meditate for about 30 min at a stretch. I would write more about that experience later, but this exercise helped me a lot. I felt what it means when people say "Everything is in the mind". Hearing or reading great quotes is one thing, but when you feel them, it is absolutely different. It looks like you have finally unlocked a great box of knowledge, which all this while was very well in front of you, but closed.

Now, the year 2016 is dedicated to redefining myself. I know I am no more the same person I was 2 years back. I have grown as person and I have moved ahead to where I was. I have embraced my right-doings as well as wrong-doings. I know for all that I have been through, I am the reason. But as I said earlier, what is the use of all the knowledge if you cannot use it create a wonderful life for yourself. And this is what this 52 weeks challenge is about.

The first thing that I have to correct (read cure) is compulsive eating. I eat because I can, not because I need to. If food is in front of me, I will eat it till it is finished irrespective of the appetite. In fact, I don't remember when was the last time I really felt hungry. If there is a pack of biscuits on my desk, I would eat them all. If there are sweets in the fridge, I will have a bite, every time I open the fridge. Whenever I prepare the bread toast, I would put the thickest layer of butter on it. I mean I have become really impossible when it comes to eating these days. And this has been going on for a while now. Needless to say, it makes me very very guilty and fat.

On Jan 1, I started listing down all the things I was eating during the day. I have let myself loose for a week to get the correct account of my degradation. As expected, results are going to be heart breaking. If I count the calories, I have already consumed two months of calories. Sometimes I feel as if I have become unstoppable and I need medical help. Then at other times I remember "everything is in the mind" and hence there is a fair chance that I can cure myself.

Getting rid of this mindless eating is my first step towards my goal and I am going to achieve it. The details will be added.


P.S.: Week 1: Getting an account of my mindless eating and identifying the areas of improvement.