Saturday, December 24, 2016

The winding and the whining

Like most year-end reflections or random introspection, this one too is a bit melodramatic, or rather melancholic  - with some high level philosophy thrown in bits and pieces here and there.

The Gypsy head
For past few years, I have been trying to trace my progress as a journey - from where I am coming and where I am going - it does not mean I have stopped devouring moments, but continuously connecting the dots has certainly given me some perspective; or rather a peep into patterns. By DNA, I am a gypsy. People often associate gypsy-hood with the inability to stay at a place. I think it is more than that. It is the ability to be able to let go of certainty and knowingness, feeling a pull towards something that you cannot describe, believing that there is someplace else as well where you belong and you must search for it. And like almost everything else in the world, gypsy-hood begins in the head. I am not the type of person who will stay there forever - in the same challenge, comfort, sentiment, misery, luxury, thought, or even reality. If it is not evolving, it will not be able to hold me for long. I will just leave and it would not be able to stop! One might call it my inability to stay, I call it one's inability to hold me.

A purposeless pursuit of finding life's purpose
Another idea that I have happily detached myself from is that of 'finding purpose of our lives'. The phrase is heavily used and abused. What is purpose and has someone really found it ever? I don't know! May be Sachin Tendulakar found the purpose of his life. The idea just doesn't excite me anymore. I feel foolish for having wasted some years of life trying to find my purpose. May be my passion lacked the purity, it never became intense enough to ignite my soul... but then so what? May be I am not required to follow any one dream, art, desire, or idea. May be my purpose lies in doing quite a lot of things in not too much of detail. May be there is no purpose at all. Can God really create someone so that he or she goes out and create iPhones, or plethora of records, or soul stirring music, or anything that is so dramatized by the world. What if Sachin Tendulkar had not pursued cricket? Yes, he would not have been Sachin Tendulkar then; but then, he would have become someone else. Can we judge the worth or purpose of a life by how well the person has performed any specific task?

Love? Please no.
I have a talent for attracting assholes. Sorry for being blunt and of course the language. But I have seen intelligent people often get attracted to me; and then they start appearing like jerks. I am not sure if the problem is with me, or its just that the EQ is inversely proportional to the IQ. In fact, I have been so utterly disappointed by male-kind on so many occasions that it has just crushed my desire to ever be with a guy. It might take a few weeks to years, but then eventually all of them turn-out to be .... well .... assholes. With time and age, the attractions have ceased to be upfront romantic; but the final outcome is usually the same. Even if you consciously stay 'just' friends, still you can clearly find out that they are borderline cases - with you being the one safeguarding that border. People say it is difficult to understand women's brain, but I think it is more difficult to understand a guy's brain - I am sure most of them are using there's to create sms jokes and memes on wives, girlfriends, or women in general.

The sorted one among the two
Mother: Where is your heart?
5 YO points to the center of her chest

Mother: What does it do? (Expecting a gesture for pulsation or pumping)
5 YO: (with a straight face) My heart tells me with whom I should make friends and with whom I should not.

Mother: Wah!