In search of...

Pain is good..

2011-11-11T12:49:00.000+05:30

... because it makes you strong and fills your imagination with beauty…

The best creations in arts are also the extension of some painful thoughts. There would not be many magnum opus coming out of lavish living rooms and satisfied hearts! Pain takes you on the road to beauty and that is such an oxymoron. However, it is difficult to identify the difference in colours, when all you can see is black. But those who could do that definitely travel to such imaginative realms, where the reason for pain subsides and ordeal to deal with it begins.

Pain brings drama in life, the element that makes you feel special about yourself; making you your own hero. It elates your unconscious you, making you feel that you have the ability to deal with ‘it’. The imaginary picture of fighting with your own woes makes you a warrior before your sub-conscious mind, even if your conscious is feeling like a loser. This conflict of your two strong handles starts a journey that takes your thoughts on uncharted territories and you come out with ideas that you never realized existed in this very body before; and then come out excellent forms of arts, painted with bleeding hearts, decorated with broken dreams.

About life, in general…

2011-11-02T18:09:00.001+05:30

It seems to be a long time since I actually looked upon my own life and questioned how good or bad it has gone. In last one and a half year, it has changed and it has changed so much that I wonder if Cinderella pre and post July 2010 are basically the same people. But all in all.. it has gone good, because I still begin every single day with lots of enthusiasm and I am still full of all sorts of cranky jokes to make people feel miserable yet long for me!

I have become wise. I know it’s a big statement! But that’s true. Had I been someone else, I would have admired myself for all the dimensions of myself I have grown in all this time. For this, I gift myself one entire guilt-free dose of big chocolate!

Also, I always used to live under the impression that I can never be as good as my mom is.. NEVER EVER!! But recently, my brother said a nice thing – “you have become so much like Mom”. I know the entire replacement is not possible, or if it is, might take pretty much time; but then NEVER EVER is no more there. I resemble my role-model and people who have known me in and out could visibly identify the change.

Also, I have realized ‘moving on’ is the best thing one could do to oneself. Nothing actually stays forever! And it stands for every single thing! In all this time, I have moved on from so many things and all of them looked pretty impossible to be left, but then they all became history at one moment and what followed subsequently was certainly better. Moving on for all small and big issues! They make life easy and simple. Choosing what you want to have at that point and shedding off the not-required baggage. Of course, memories and occasional backward pull-ups remain there, but no one dies because of memories. They become much easier to live with, after moving on!

I have also learnt that you cannot change yourself how hard you try. You get pissed off with your own behavior and its repercussions and then comes a strong desire to change yourself and become someone else for the time being, in the hope that the new me could not be knocked down by any one. But this is a highly short-lived phase and you come back to your true self much sooner than you even realize. So, practically it is not a good idea to make efforts to change your intrinsic nature, because it demands quite a lot of effort and energy and the results are neither that encouraging nor proportionate. Plus, it often makes you feel like a fool.

Fear of fear is more fearful. Similarly, one that never happens hurts more than what has actually happened. What happens in reality is much more manageable and easier to handle compared to all that you have imagined to happen, but thankfully has never happened. In this scenario, it’s better to wait and watch and not imagine anything at all. Jab hoga tab dekha jayega situation!

Also, being a push-over is not a very bad thing. Hrithik Roshan prides in calling himself a pushover! It protects your peace of mind and keeps you alive for better things. Let people blabber to, for, or about you.. and don’t mind. They might or might not get cool about it.. but you keep your cool, of course, for your sake only!

This much for now… obviously, the posts like these have many sequels.. so would be back with more, soon!

Random thoughts

2011-10-21T17:08:00.001+05:30

My canteen boy has such a harmless and innocent face? Somehow, every time I look at him, a prayer comes out of my heart that he remain happy always. Why is it so? I guess, somewhere it reminds me of my brother’s face, when he was working in Delhi and had gone really weak and pale.

I know I am not the healthiest person in the world; but I find it so irritating and difficult to tolerate the freaking voice of “ooh..”, “..aah..”, people keep making in order to tell the world that they are sick! I think that’s really sick! Why don’t people feel healthy from inside? What is so glorifying in telling people about your ailments? It only shows your weaknesses! And why do you deserve any attention or favour from me for this, until and unless I am responsible for any of your bodily disorders? Go to doctor, get treated, and feel sound! Please!

It’s almost 11 months now that I am tolerating my so-called cook and her extreme lethargy towards work. She disappears for weeks, seldom cooks food that appears to be correct without any nudging from my side, is highly callous and is always lying and making false excuses. Still, she is working in my kitchen, whenever she wants. I could chuck her off any day I want and the story will end. A lot of times, I even almost did that. But almost never became absolute and I am still making tea and chapati for her, everyday. I used to wonder why my husband has not fired her in last four years! I guess, I understand it now.

Some of your habits irritate me terribly at times. The times, when I just want to believe that you do not belong to me and I am just independent of any mess that you create. But I cannot detach myself from your ecosystem like that, because it is so hard to turn off my face when I see you burning in your self-created fire. Call it love or call it concern, I want to help you and stop you from hurting yourself any more, even if you think otherwise.

She is sure that all the dreams that she is sacrificing now would rise again from their own ashes one day. She also knows that the only reason, why these dreams are getting sacrificed right now, is she herself! Why to pass the buck and why to blame anyone else? Patience is the key and right now and for pretty long in future, what all she intends to do is to remain patient!

May be you have great, weird, crowd-attracting ideas.. the fact is presently, you stand on ground zero; lacking all the focus in life and soon the people, appearing so fascinated by your charming bombast, would leave you with your pretentions. The sooner you learn to swim, the better for you! Those who last long are the ones who act!

One last thought, a gtalk status message I liked: “All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.” - Henry Ellis

2011-10-20T11:12:00.000+05:30

Mehbooba k pyar me mar gya Peter,

Hero Honda Splendor 80km/Ltr

Agar ho bimar to dhundo chemist,

My name is Khan and I m not a terrorist

Raat k 2 baje baji ghar ki bell,

Maine Gate Khola, Chokidar bola AaL IZZ WELL...

Karna padta hai apne kharcho pe kabu,

1 chutki sindur ki kimat tum kya jano ramesh babu...

Tum bin hum kaise ji payenge,

"Ayenge, Mere Karan Arjun ayenge"

Call karne se pehle balance jachna,

"Basanti in kutto k saamne mat nachna".

Why is everyone sad?

2011-10-19T16:27:00.000+05:30

You get up in morning, walk on footpaths, and reach wherever you want to go, watch colleagues, beggars, vendors, other commuters, or even the most exciting faces on roads – why does everyone look innately sad? As if we are just walking, on our own tunes, unattached to world to our own degrees, living to just get through the daily chores of life.

Are we supposed to be sad on a permanent basis and feel happy circumstantially, although philosophically it is supposed to be other way round. Why is ‘general’ sadness becoming a part of life? The instances of happiness and laughter are getting linked to reasons, which are getting bigger and intricate. And when none of these reasons exist, the by-default condition of sadness prevails.

The worries of career, family, marriage, kids, finances, dying dreams and interests, have become taller and heavier than the charm of ‘just’ living. In fact, when you talk to ‘worldly-sensible’ people about carefree living, they look at you with disbelief, being certain that you exist on ground zero and your philosophy is totally non-practical and un-executable. After all, all these years of struggle, cut throat competition, compromises, adjustments, exasperating expectations, what else would be left in a person.

I think problem lies with two facts – first we feel that we deserve too much; second, we become ‘used-to’ of things too soon.

We crack good jobs, feel elated and high – then after a little while, the job becomes a pain! We know we can’t leave it, so continuing remains the only option – followed by perpetual unhappiness. Similarly, we get into relationship with best buddies possible. The relationship begins because we have really liked him or her. Then we get used to of goodness and negativities, which are anyway present in every single human being, start looking more noticeable. Everyday conflicts overcome the desire to stay together and people either separate or keep fighting.

And then expectations – huge and scary! We, the prince and princess of our cosmos, find the rest of the world too less knowledgeable and wise that we are left with no other option than to preach! It comes as such a genuine need that we often could not notice that we are not the mind-masters and there’s so much left to be grasped from the ones, who appear to be a little less mortal than us.

Why always what I say, what I do and what I plan are at least slightly better than what you say, do, or plan! I am sure, we all have an answer for this question and it would be same – because I am the best, or at least better!

Whatever! But this entire tussle leaves you lonely in your dreamy world and people might not acknowledge this loneliness, but it surely hits them somewhere; or why else we all want to go high for some time and forget past, present, and future.

The general sadness of our attitudes has become such an intrinsic part of our lives that we seldom notice it most of the times. We have laptops, TVs, late night parties, online friends and so much blah blah that perhaps we do not even need to bother about this perpetual sadness, till someday we actually notice a beautiful face and find that it has all the embellishments possible, except the most essential and easiest one – smile!

Ahoy Chick! ..who pays your bills?

2011-10-17T14:38:00.001+05:30

Saw Mere Brother Ki Dulhan, last night and did not like it much. Not even Katrina looked that distractible beautiful, as she appears to be in so many other movies, where you just watch her, being oblivious to her acting skills. She was loud and so was the movie!

A crass explanation of movie is that a guy tries finding a really cool and awesome wife for his elder bro and eventually falls in love with her for her awesomeness and vice-versa and finally the duo gets each other. Now there could be many ways to show one concept and MBKD did it really ugly. Anyway! The post is not a movie review, but for our hunt for the awesomeness that we have started seeking in girls these days!

Katrina was introduced as a rock-star, with a guitar hanging down her shoulder all the time, wearing hot pants and junk jewellery, piercing and tattoos at all possible body locations, extremely outrageous and outgoing, fearless, ready to try anything and everything new that comes her way, very flexible to her moral values that allow her to nestle around, drink, or smoke with all the guys she wants.. but yes, not sleeping around with people.. or crossing the ‘limits’, intelligent and somebody who could smartly tackle all the situations with her flashy smile and brainy head!

So, a girl like this is invariably going to attract any human being. After all, who does not get fascinated by people who are just so super cool.. not getting bothered about what the world thinks about them.. after all they are the pros, they define their fashion statements, they are the ones who make choices… who are free and liberated in true sense.. if they think smoking beedi is cool, they do that… if they think that by getting drunk they let themselves be themselves… they do that too!

And then?

Then nothing.. they come home late at night in big cars, go straight to their rooms without any staring or question-ogling eyes and fall flat on bed, just to get up next afternoon and finding that they are still getting brunch and loving smiles from the people who are supposedly family because they are sharing same house. How come world for some people go like that?

Who sponsors these fashionistas? Don’t they have to worry about their career, which definitely has to be made in a certain age-bracket or burning mid night oil to get into best possible institutions of their choice? Don’t these people have caring mothers who do not go to bed, till kids have reached home? And don’t they have to answer dads when their credit card bills have shot the roofs?

I don’t know. All such cool chicks that I have around me are too rich to bother about shaping careers or making efforts for that. They are extroverts, charming, full of attitude, very good in talking and can blah blah all day long about how life could be made fun. They have weird and bold career dreams that are full of purpose, things like starting a rock band, becoming a travelogue writer, social worker or something else. They are poor in money matters and many do not even know basic details of personal finance management. They have no rules in particular and parents are always there to support them, even if many times, instead of providing them support they should have been left alone to clear off their self-created mess.

And then you find that there are some, who are hardworking and disciplined, but relatively less charming and scarcely loud or self-obsessed. But then these are not called chicks! These are called girls and poor girls often do not get noticed. Their bosses love their work, but often forget them when counting fun elements in the team. To put straight, they just do not have the thunder of above category!

I feel sad for this slightly neglected second genre of chicks. Can’t say what they should do in order to steal the charm that rightly belongs to them, because the glitter of real chick world is really not that easy to be duplicated. And when you live in a world that works on one simple funda of ‘sell to survive’, silent efforts towards self-development do not give short-term returns.

But then thankfully, the world runs on wonderful thing called Hope.. a hope that at some point of time ‘substantial’ gets its meaning and these ‘girls’ find people who understand it. And when people say I want to be myself, they know what they really are!

'Uncool' to want a baby boy?

2011-10-14T16:47:00.003+05:30

I am observing a surge in liking towards baby girls these days! Every where people are wanting to have a girl-child. The people I am talking about are the ones with pretty good education level and high disposable incomes. They either have or plan for one or at the max two kids. Husband and wife, both work and have sound careers. All in all, they belong to the generation that has overcome gender bias…. Or have they? What I feel is bias towards boys has now transformed into bias towards girls.

Recently my female colleagues asked an expectant mother what

does she want? Before she could reply.. answers from the rest of colleagues came as “I for sure want a girl”.

“Why?”

“Girls’ have such cute clothes and you can decorate them so well.. you can’t do any of these to baby boys!!”

Perhaps, true. But then till the baby is at least one year old the toddler wear for both genders remains almost similar. And I am sure, even boys would have some good wardrobe options, maybe we never bothered to check.

In another discussion, this time a little more grown-up gang of ladies strong

ly supported that they all ‘actually’ wanted a girl. Most of them got also, though one o

f them had a boy; so for her, ‘it’s’ the next time! Their reasons for praying for a female child were little more substantial than the girly ones – “girls are more understanding. Whenever I am quiet or sad, my daughter would come and so try to make me laugh; boys are just rowdy, even when they are small”, shared a friend.

Interestingly, all the expectant mothers I remember meeting in past one or two years have given me one same answer – “I want a girl child!”

Why??? Are baby boys so out of fashion? Haven’t they remained the coveted ones for the new-age moms or moms-to-be? And if that is the case, why is sex ratio still going down for girls?

I finally asked a friend, why it is that everyone wants a girl, I think I would like to have a boy. Her answer was that I am sounding conventional and that perhaps I am still brooding in erstwhile gender bias.

I disagree with her and think that my reasons for wanting a baby boy are far more genuine than the ones stated above.

I want a baby boy because it is as much fun to see him growing and playing and doing everything else as it would be to a girl child.
I could make him a cricketer!
I feel guys are socially ‘safer’ than girls and hence when he’ll grow up, I would have rather less sleepless nights.
He would not have to go to his in-laws house after marriage.
My parents and in-laws believe that there
would be at least one male heir to the family. I might have my own reasons to agree or disagree with them, but yes having a baby boy would satisfy them too.

Ideally, I believe that every Indian family must have one boy and one girl, so that one does not have to meander to complete relations on days like rakshabandhan or bhaidooj. In fact, I myself want to have two kids – and I want both, a girl and a boy. Even if that sounds traditional or backward!

In the name of Friend-sheeps!!

2011-08-08T09:34:00.007+05:30

So, after several years of knowing that first Sunday of August is celebrated as Friendship Day, this year, I finally wished my friends, sent sms and actually remembered the time we spent. I don't know if that sounds like an advancement of networking or depletion of my sentiments, but I felt like using this day to thank a few people, who although always remain there in my thoughts and memories, but I somehow, just do not get enough time to call them up and ask, whats up???

I think there are two types of people in the world. One, who just love their family... all their strengths and source of courage lies within their family; if their family is there, they would virtually not need anything more. Two, people, who love their family quite a lot, but depend on friends; this type of people remain hungry and senti for friends all their life; they get good friends and bad friends, and even though, they too love their family really really hard, they still feel that they can do anything in life, if they have their right set of friends surrounding them. Type one cannot understand type two's psyche and so is vice versa.

I fall in type 2.

I could say, I was born with this special ability to create friendships. Due to childhood amnesia, I couldn't recall, but I would have made friends with other infants, taken birth close to my timings. None of my parents are extrovert in nature and so is my brother. In fact, everyone in my family takes a lot of time to get open with anyone. So, when they found me, coming with a new best friend, everyweek, they did not understand me. Even to this day, I hardly find people who could understand how I could have a dozen best, three-four dozen close, and over ten dozen good friends.

I can say, I do friendship based on my instincts. There are certain things, none of my friends would ever have. I hate lies, false attitude, foul language and manipulation; and hence any one having any of these raw qualities never comes close to me beyond a certain point. In fact, sometimes the intensity of my repulsion towards certain people wonders me also.

Other than these, the band of tolerance is really wide and hence a lot of people qualify to get in. Once I feel that the person is valid to get into that band, a relationship starts. The span of relationship definitely depends on a lot other things, but yes it "clicks". Now, depending upon trust, mutual willingness, and most importantly my feeling out of the whole thing, the "clickable acquaintance" might grow to be my good, close, or best friend!

Whenever I see someone saying that he or she has got 2/3 friends, I wonder! What did they do with the rest of the people they met? Since, among all the people I ever met in my life, most were worth making friends!

Today, life has become too occupied and I do not feel energetic as earlier, so I am not in touch with most of these friends. But they still are there and that's a comforting thought. May be some would have forgotten me, but there are still many friends, who would just come out of the blue, to cheer me up, when I would really really need them.

And to all those buddies - "Happy Friendship Day".

Traffic woes...

2011-08-01T10:54:00.002+05:30

I am somebody who keeps huge hopes with mornings. Even if the previous day or the night has been disaster, I still believe that every morning comes with an option of starting your day and in some instances the rest of your life, afresh! And hence, I try to welcome it in my most cheerful mood. But, then not necessarily the world around you feels the same. For other people, mornings have other meanings! And many of them, do not find them so encouraging! The cool of these holy hours does not get into the heads of several folks.

So, like always, today also I greeted the day with same enthu, got up the same way, gave a few glances outside my balcony, prepared tiffin boxes and breakfast, hurriedly got ready for the office and left my house. Now the city in which I live has many good things, but there are not much traffic considerations for pedestrians. There are no sidewalks or footpaths or over-bridges to go from one side of the road to other. Though, there are zebra crossings on a few roads, but then obviously, you need some civic sense to understand that zebra crossings are more than a piece of art on road.

Now, walking is not a sin but people on wheels do not realise this. More are your number of wheels, more is your dad's authority on road, that is how it works. Most of the times, I have to wait for more than 10 minutes, before I could find a reasonable vehicle less patch to cross 4-5 m of road and make a step forward. And even if someone (esp. four wheelers) finds you crossing the road, instead of slowing down, he would speed up their vehicle and also throw off their headlight on your face, making it clear that you dare crossing the road before they leave and you would be under their car!! Hopeless!! Traffic in every city is bad... drivers are always ruthless... and everyone walking on road has always a high chance to get hit.. but what is worse in this city is apathy from the administration and sometimes people also. Anyway!

And why am I writing this today has no specific reason, except that a motorcycle guy just came behind me and lost his balance, falling on me and hitting my back terribly. He was driving on the wrong side and there was a little water logging on the side of the road, which he did not realise and hence fell the moment he stepped on that soggy platform. The motorcycle handle hit my lower back.

More terribly, the guy did not have even an iota of guilt for what he had just done! I looked at him wanting to know what is happening... and he gave me a "get out of my way" look. Although, he looked a little scared also thinking that I might start collecting people and then he would be in problem.. so perhaps, he tried to intimidate me with his look. However, he knew that he was on the wrong side and would surely get caught for that.. so obviously did not want to continue this for longer.

I do not know what should I have done? For some milliseconds, I thought that I should immediately slap this guy or at least hit him.. but since I have never slapped anyone, my hand dint act. I thought of collecting people and shouting for help.. but then I was getting late for the office, and did not want to spoil my day and waste my energy, even more. More than his act of hitting me, I was angry for the way he reacted... No expression of apology!!! Okay, we all break traffic rules.. we also sometimes, lightly hit people... but then, what was that guy thinking that at time, while staring at me. I never come on road thinking that someone else will ever do anything for me. My protection is solely my responsibility! But then what the hell, you think when you come on road? Somewhere on some other road, your mother , sister, wife, or daughter would be doing the same thing!

A feeling of disbelief and sadness plunged in, for how fast people are turning apathetic and in-genuine. I also want to be the first one in everything I do, but then can I ever become so emotionless that I would shamelessly drag people behind and would never feel sorry about that?

I don't know.. but I never want to be!

Gray Zones

2011-07-22T10:58:00.000+05:30

It is so amazing to see how different people are from each other and from themselves as well!!

There is never really anything absolute about life. No one's absolutely right, no one's absolutely wrong, no one's absolutely good and no one's absolutely bad either. We all live in a gray zone and keep moving from different shades of black and white. And amidst such huge variations, my mind asks me, how should I make opinions about people? Then the other thought that comes should I be making any opinion, at all? It's not because of my indifference, but because of people's inconsistency that I face this dilemma. One day someone appears to be so genuine, another day you see something negative about him or her. You do not want to forget the good part and you could not forget the bad one! Conclusively, you do not know which part dominates.

More you know a person, more you find variations in his/her grey zone. If they are close to you, you know that their fluctuations from black to white directly affects you. You know you have to tap with the rhythm and needless to say you have a gray zone of your own too.

Honestly speaking, I am never really interested in knowing what happens in the deep-burrow of a person's heart and mind. For me, actions and words have always mattered more than the claims that somebody is good or bad from heart. I find it difficult to believe that people could display contradicting character and actions for a very long time. How can a person with an extremely foul mouth can really have a golden heart; and one with so called bad heart could try to be nice to you always? Persistent actions by a person make it reasonable clear to me how much he or she dwells in which shade of his grayness.

The people with inconsistent mix of goodness and badness appear more trustworthy, because I can relate to them. I get kinda apprehensive when surrounded by extremely nice people. May be because I do not understand how should I deal with them. They have not done anything to betray me and at the same time they make me vulnerable! I would like to believe that there are really nice people in world, who always think nice, talk nice and behave nice. I, too, aspire to be one of them, but I don't want loads of them around me.

Its easier to deal with bad people than the good ones. You know you can hit back bad guys, but what to do with these good ones?

Rains, Umbrellas, and Girls - I

2011-07-13T10:46:00.003+05:30

Rains and umbrella is a sexy combination, isn't it? Even if you are alone in it, you still feel romantic and elated!

Monsoon is indeed the best season for people, who want to feel being in love for sometime. Rains are mysterious, they ignite your imagination, they make you look sensuous, and biggest thing, they unveil the hidden, at least to some extent. No one can deny that wet skin clinging with clothes has loads of oomph.

Just create a picture of that well smooth, clear, fair arm attached to a body struggling to keep itself away from rain under an umbrella. Still, the cunning rains somehow break into her protection zone, pouring on her shoulder, wetting her white shirt, her sleeve cleaved to that arm, fair skin colour looks even fairer. You can't see a thing of hers in that big umbrella.. your doorway to that beauty is her wet arm and the shirt attached to her skin!

Now, I am not a guy, nor am I gay, but I find myself pretty incapable of imagining guys in such sexily beautiful situations. What rains do to them is generally carve out random ways to flow down the water across their hairy arms. It reminds me of a pattern found in rain-prone mountainous regions, where herbs and narrow muddy drains run adjacent to each other, randomly. Anyway, this was about their arms and I was never keen to know about other body parts.

So, back to the fairer sex. Well... my boss has just stepped into the office and I need to get back to my regular errands. So.. more of rain, umbrellas, and girls will follow really soon!!

2011-07-05T12:40:00.002+05:30

Sometimes, you have pictured the whole narration in your mind and nothing of it happens. Every dialogue, every answer to every prospective question... every argument and your stand on that... every possible result that could come of it... over and over again.. AND then nothing happens. The question that you are so much waiting for, never gets popped.. the argument never starts.. the victory never happens... and you are left exhausted, tired and confused with your own imagination.

How often it has happened with you that you appear as being in a thought, but in actual are not thinking anything! I really envy people, who could free their minds from thinking something, at least for a while. With myself, I could not recall even a single moment in my entire lifetime, where I was not thinking about something. While being in a state of action, mostly it happens that I am thinking of two things - one, about what I am doing and second, about something absolutely random! I am so tired of thinking now... it has drained me more than it has helped me. But I do not know what is the way out?

Someday, someway

2011-06-15T14:28:00.000+05:30

If you are listening to the same song again and again for hours and hours and you are doing this for months and months.. there must be something special about it. Whenever I played this song, there was apparently no thought in my mind, not even when I was unconsciously moving my lips with the lyrics, until today, when I asked myself... why this one?? I get an answer - because it reminds me of something extremely extremely sweet, which I did not bother to notice.... but my heart did. Something very personal, very precious :)

Someday Someway by MLTR

In my search for freedom, and peace of mind
I’ve left the memories behind
Wanna start a new life, but it seems to be rather absurd
When I know the truth,
Is that I always think of you

Someday someway
Together we will be baby
I will take and you will take your time
We’ll wait for our fate
Cos’ nobody owns us baby
We can shake, we can shake the rock

Try to throw the picture
Out of my mind
Try to leave the memories behind
Here by the ocean
Wave’s carry voices from you
Do you know the truth
I am thinking of you too

Someday someway
Together we will be baby...
The love we had together
Just fades away in time
And now you’ve got your own world
And I guess I’ve got mine
But the passion that you planted
In the middle of my heart
Is a passion that will never stop!!!

Cherishing those old pals

2011-06-13T11:45:00.005+05:30

Loyalty and commitment sometimes come from the most unexpected of relationships and I am not talking about dogs here. One of my friends has a barber to whom he has stuck to for more than last 10 years. Imagine, the same person cutting your hair after every 3 months, messaging your face and being an eye-witness to the frequency you are getting bald and developing wrinkles. But, still his love, dedication and commitment to you remains unmoved. He would still caress your balding scalp with the same pleasure as perhaps he did, when you went to him for the first time, more than 10 years back, not knowing that he would become one of your longest serving partners. Now that is what I call 'true love'. Something that binds hearts together, a strong, wordless, persistent, bilateral relationship! My friend did not agree to this sentiment, but I am sure he would never even dare to replace that barber with anyone else. That too when that dude charges more than the market price and doesn’t even have a shop! Yeah! You take appointment from him and he tells you at what saloon he would be found on that day. (However, I feel that he sits under some tree and my friend finds it cheap to disclose the fact hence this appointment story).

Aren't there certain types of professionals we love to stick to once we have found the 'right ones' for ourselves. I am sure, we all have some halwaii (primarily jaleibi and samose wala), whose memories date back to our childhood. The smell of whose samose and sweetness of whose jalebi just refuse to leave our memory even if we have relished these dishes in the most poshest of places. Like my maternal grandmother is very loyal towards an achaar wala in Kanpur and especially the garlic variants of pickles he prepares. They are buying pickles from that person even before my mom was born. Similarly, one my aunts never forgets to buy 'daalmoth', whenever she goes to Farrukhabad or someone comes from there. It is a kind of an inevitable purchase in their family if anyone has made a move from here to there. And the list would remain incomplete if I do not mention the Jyoti Dosa Corner, opposite my TOI office in Kanpur. I still long for that masala dosa like anything. Even while being at a city that has the capacity to serve you more than 100 varieties of Dosa, nothing matches the drool that used to come as the order plate overloaded with that masala dosa reached our table.

And why only eating joints, there are other professionals as well, who have carved such a loyal place in your hearts and have become so indispensable only because of their reasonable, economical and quality work. Eg. All the ladies in our locality religiously go to one single tailor, Deepika wala, as we call him. Reason is of course, the reliable and good work that he does and that too without charging anywhere even close to what is charged at these new-age boutiques. The Master there, who is also the owner of the shop, is working for last 30-35 years and has measured body sizes of generations of the same family. Now his shop has expanded and there are many more people working there, but the trust factor remains unchanged. Same applies to the maid that comes to our locality, Kamla. When we shifted there 12 years back, every one referred to Kamla, there was no one else actually. She at that time was working in nearly a dozen houses. Now, so many houses have popped up in here and there and still Kamla enjoys the monopoly, except of the families who have full time servants. Now Kamla has three daughters to support her and also two sons, in case, if someone has some urgent to be bought from the market, her sons come as rescue. People get pissed off with her, but no one changes her. She has become an intrinsic part of every house-hold, she knows about everyone's problem and loves to talk about them. She comes usually as per her own convenience, but comes everyday for sure. Definitely, she is not the best, but then she is reliable and perhaps we are not always seeking perfection in our domestic help. We look more for trust and she has earned loads and loads of it. So is the case with our road-side cobbler. However, he doesn’t sit there now, but the place is still called mochi wala chauraha, as if he was a freedom-fighter or something. He has stitched so many of our footwear taken from bathroom sleepers; school-shoes, which used to get torn every quarter to the branded sandals. He mended each of those works with such ease and art; and nothing of that work ever costed more than Rs. 15!

The memoir would remain so incomplete without mentioning about Hari-Ram Chat wala, near the place my parents live, whom I visit most certainly every time I go home. He doesn't give outstanding gol-gappe, but whatever he gives is definitely so much pleasurable than any other place in the world. In so many years, the flavour of his pani-puri has changed a lot and there is hardly any similarity between the two-periods, but still the guy who collects money hasn't changed and so is the photo of Lord Shiva's family hanging on the wall right beside the Quartz clock. Just standing there makes my mouth water, as if the old taste comes back in that new setting. The taste of not only gol-gappa, but also of the time when you used to get 4 of them for just 2 bucks and when gol-gappe used to be considered 'treat' among friends. I think the reason I relish all these places and people so much has less to do with what they offer me now, but more with what all they have offered me in past; something that could not be reiterated and hence has become a treasure of its own.

Media in the mud!!

2011-06-08T23:38:00.003+05:30

I think I have the right, just as anyone else, who pays taxes and follows laws and go out in sun to vote, to to feel angry, ask questions and rue people, who think I should not be feeling like that. What the hell, these bloody politicians think they are... and what the hell these terrible media people think we are?

Sushma Swaraj goes for some goddamn reason to Rajghat and dances there. So? Now, if Tushar Gandhi thinks that BJP distributed sweets when Gandhi ji got assassinated; hence, BJP leaders mocking the serenity of this place is no surprise... let him think so. Swaraj's dance, from Rajghat to a Discotheque, hardly changes any thing in my life. And so is the opinion made by a Congressman or any other politician, who according to my limited knowledge of Indian Politics are all ek hi thaali ke chatte batte. What do they think.... Congress is more corrupt...or is so the BJP.. or shall we look into the details of SP, BSP, DMK, AIDMK, CPI(M)... or the likewise.

Now, Ramdev Baba has to join the bandwagon. After all, he mustn't have left the golden chance to politicise his social standing and the huge fan following, which was well displayed by the gathering of 80,000 people during his fast. Corruption hasn't come today or tomorrow.. it was there during the lives and times of Ramdev Baba's great grandfather and if he thinks an army of 11,000 men could remove corruption, then he must consult the 5-years old son of my neighbour, who perhaps would come up with a more creative solution to remove it. You are corrupt and I am corrupt and so is he and she... now, how do you suppose, just a government made by all these, I, me and myself figures could remove it. Corruption is I guess as old an issue as the integrity in mankind and I guess rather than coming up with weird, irresponsible and controversial solutions like Youth Army, he must keep his focus on delivering Yoga gyan. After all, a healthy mind lies in a health body... and a healthy mind is less prone to be corrupt.

In all this fiasco, I think the biggest loser has been Anna Hazare, who not only fasted so sincerely, lost few pounds, finally cajoled government to listen to him and eventually... got nothing. In fact, Hazare Sa'ab has not even succeeded in even gathering the fan following in the lines of Ramdev. Interestingly, we could not find half-a-dozen intelligent people with good political and administrative presence of mind that could help the government to frame a policy, which even if does not eradicate 100% corruption from our system, but still could cure 40% of it. Seriously, this is what we truly call - bullshitting!

But I am not feeling angry because politicians are doing this.. after all, clowns do circus. The origin of my anger is media and its supposedly responsible attitude that it claims to have achieved in the world's largest democracy.

Hasn't media yet got the sense to evaluate the significance and seriousness of a news-item? May be not... but not when it asks for all the freedom of expression and claims to rightly deserve it. Who in this world would dedicate one hour of prime time to discuss what the congress and civil society thinks of Sushma's dance with 6 well-known TV bugs (read panelists) to actually discuss it! And that is not enough! In their attempt to expose the truth behind the curtains, media is doing exactly what the politicians want them to do - gain popularity, publicity and fans. There is absolutely no need to expand and over discuss every statement made in politics, especially because for past many decades we have been seeing the sincerity with which these attention seeking statements are made. Then why so much of lime-light to them? Can't we just ignore such incidents, so that the doers get the clear message that no such things would be propagated. Surely enough, we do not lack sensible news-stories, which truly deserves people's attention.

Media has got such a huge investigative machinery... can't it just put it into use and pay little sincerity for the people it claims to live for - the viewers! What was my crime? Why did I have to go through all this thought process and feel angry about Indian politicians, whom I anyway find worthless? Just because I switched on a news channel to find out what is going on in this world! And because I trusted a news channel to apprise me of happenings that are worth my time and attention. Now if I feel cheated for being fed with unworthy news, I could might just switch off the TV, since switching off the channels does not bring any relief at all. But while doing so, I ask myself.... who is the culprit and who is the watch-dog? Or haven't they both become one - playing in each other's hands - at my cost - and at the cost of the trust, I once posed on them because they claimed to deserve it!

Pretensions.... not for me!!

2010-08-06T01:49:00.005+05:30

Its almost 2'o clock in the morning and I feel the strong desire to close my eyes and fall down on bed. But what is stronger than that is the pleasure of being with yourself. Yeah! I could say that the times when I feel closest to myself are the ones, when I write. Despite the fact that blogs are public platforms, helping people to sneak into your lives, very conveniently, I proudly own each and every emotion depicted in these words.

So, life is seeing a helluva change.. (for good, though). All, never before turning into first timers and I am enjoying all these phases of transitions, where I find myself as a center of attraction and reason of joy for people I care. Most of the times, our lives do not turn out to be the way, we have imagined them to be. We can call it our short sightedness that most of our lives' imaginations are inspired by the things that we could see close by. We imagine our perfect lives with our present friends, jobs and eco-systems. Thankfully, God doesnt think the same way. He makes you a part of a much bigger picture and later you also realise that the proposition has come out really well and all this while, you were just getting frightened by some imaginary fears.

But these joyous transitions cajole you to forget some very pressing issues in life. Pressing, just for one person and that is you. They could swipe you off from the ground of purpose and make you indulge into pleasures that only look sustainable. This has happened with me so many times and every time I have promised myself to not let this happen again... but it did. However, the span of coming back has reduced significantly, proving that I am slowly but steadily learning from my mistakes.

Time and again I have realised that the only thing that gives us consistent joy and respect is the feeling of working for the purpose of our lives. Even the pain of sacrifices gets washed away from the self-respect that we earn while working for our dreams. I must say that I have spent a lot of time, before identifying what I could call my purpose in life. Also, in all these years I have been pretty cursory towards its fulfillment. Sometimes, I doubted my own intentions and commitment. But after every thing, my heart kept me coming back to it and now I feel that I have reached the point, where there could not be any turning back. I could now sense the honesty of fulfilling these dreams reaching to my soul.. and that turning to be a guiding light and a source of constant self-motivation. I may not have improved much.. but a change is definite and I give myself points for that.

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As I mentioned earlier.. life is on a 'changed-forever' gear. And biggest change is required to be brought into myself. I know that everything that we do is a representation of our character. But there comes a time in life, when everyone around you starts throwing that certificate on your face... and that time has almost come in my life. I know what is correct and what I should ideally be doing.. now the challenge is to execute the thought. And if soon I would not start applying gyan on myself.. I would be found burried under the pile of certificates with Grade-D.

Becoming what you are not is difficult for everybody. But, this is a complacent attitude. Why can't I be that ideal girl, I have written about in my diary so many times - that soft-spoken, calm, composed and wise girl, who knows what she is speaking and when to stop. Why do I always have to be this impulsive, impatient, irritating jerk. May be because that is what I am!! - Impulsive... Spontaneous... Impatient... Chatter Box. But this image is too hard for the world to handle and seeing them succumbing to this difficulty is hard for me as well. Now in this situation, I can only try to do something, which I have already tried to do a lakh times - 'try' to fit in into the former image. However, this time situation is very grave - something like abhi nahi toh kabhi nahi types - Lets see....

Happy, Certified!

2010-07-01T21:34:00.002+05:30

Just read some interesting ways to stay happy.. and suddenly, realised.. wow, I am already following quite many of them...

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight, and height. Let the doctors worry about them.. That is why you pay them.
## Well I have really stopped caring about a lot of numbers, starting from the ones I have in my cell phone :D No one is allowed to disturb me, if I don't want.. gone are the days of dependency on phone, when my pulse used to stop if my phone hasnt rung for more than 30 minutes. And trust me it works superb. I used to wonder, how people go to sleep without having phone next to their pillow. But now I know that it does not show weakness of your social network, but the strength of your isolation. As far as, weight/age/height is concerned... I don't want to pay doctor for any of them, so would prefer to worry just a little about them.. just a lil :)

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)
## Aah!! Grouches can't survive in my company. They either vanish or change. I have a long list of friends, who belonged to the latter category. So, grouches.... never a challenge!!

3.. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!
## Yeah.. Yeah!! Okay.. Devil has a lot of room, here.. but would surely try to reduce that.

4. Enjoy the simple things
## I do. I do. I do!

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with him or her!
## Well.. how would you introduce me to someone new - the girl, whom you will always see laughing, because she is kinda mental! Actually, this point is not for me, but for those, who are free of cost increasing their RBC content because of me. Dekh lo.. kitna crucial hai mera existence, tum sab ke liye ;)

6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourself. LIVE while you are alive.
## Yeah! I accepted the truth, lately.

7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge
## Yaar!! This is one point, where I am lagging horribly. I am stuck at a wrong place with wrong people and wrong environment. Please Dear God! Please turn things right, soon. Plzzzzzzzzzz

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
## Yes, I do Yoga and evening walk and eat lots of fruits and drink milk and do all that I could do, while living in a rat-hole :)

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
## Guilt se toh apna purana rishta hai thakur.. apun jo galti nahi karte, uska bhi guilt paal lete hain. But never mind.. if I would have all the points, perfect.. I would reach the state of nirvana... so lemme have some open ends to keep myself moving :)

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
## Guys.. you all know na.. how much I love you all.. and when did I tell you that.. 10 minutes back!

Two from so many...

2010-06-28T22:45:00.000+05:30

Yes, people do become what they never were. May be the basic nature, remains as it is, but their behaviour does change. I too feel a change in my behaviour... or to put in right words,now I find myself capable of hurting people without actually being bothered what about he or she would feel. In general, if you ask somebody, they would surely give me a decent bhashan over why I should not think like this. But somewhere, I know, it was really important for me to develop this power in order to protect myself from becoming the victim, again and again. And if you ask me truly, being a stone-hearted person and knowing that you are stone-hearted feels far more better than knowing that your life is getting screwed up because of somebody else and you can't do anything about it.

Interesting, it feels!! When I am good, I am good, when I am bad, I am better.

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I have recently become mausi of a princess. My first reason to join the gang of aunts. Never mind... by the time, she would learn to speak enough to call me an aunt, I would actually become one. So, immediately after she was born I named her 'Picnic'. This is an exclusive name that I have coined for her and I wont mind if her parents use the same nickname. But, even if she gets a decent (read complex and stylish) name, I am still gonna call her Picnic. There are two reasons for this, first I love her a lot and second, I love this name a lot. I remember, I was very small, when a very peppy Bengali girl had this name in some TV serial. Since then, Picnic is resonating in my mind. I tried to cajole my parents to call me Picnic, but they didnot like the idea and after that I am waiting for my own daughter to come so that I could name her Picnic. But, now that I know my own daughter is taking too much of time and I already got somebody no less important than her...I think I could christen her with this much cherished name.

However, the reaction of people towards this name is not very encouraging. They make a funny face, when I tell them about Picnic, and feel sorry for the baby girl, who would have to bear the curse of her mausi's craziness throughout her life. But, it really does not bother me. Because I know that when she will be a big and wise girl, she will love me for calling her with a name that all the time radiates so much fun, joy and independence. She is going to be liked by all, because who doesnt like Picnic??

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A page from my diary

2010-05-20T19:41:00.004+05:30

It feels good... very good. As if I just opened my hands and found a lovely purple butterfly. I don't know, why mornings have become so fresh all of a sudden and why I so much wait for another day to begin. Do I sound very happy!!! Naaa... nothing as such has happened, which qualifies to make me very happy... But yeah!! I have got a lot of small small reasons, to make me believe that I could attract happiness and innumerable reasons to keep laughing.

Laughing, reminds me of hysterical sessions in office. I am sure, my trainer thinks that I have got some screws loose in my head and I think, he's not completely wrong. Sometimes the jokes are really not that great.. but I still feel like splitting into pieces.. thanks to the incredibly large datebase of PJs I have in my head. In fact, for every occasion, I have one joke ready there in my mind to laugh... and keep people boggle over, what the hell is happening.

So, coming back to the reasons for happiness. I think Yoga should be given at least some amount of credit. Getting up early in the morning.. seeing the Sun rising and inhaling that fresh air in a proper fashion, certainly makes you feel that you care for yourself. Healthy body indeed leads to healthy mind. Sadly, I got cold and last four days have passes with a lot of sneezing, coughing and fever.. but I am fine now :)

Then I have a nice roommate, who inspires me to be good to everyone, because she herself is very cool minded and easy going. Lets be simple!!! I think it is a very good mantra to follow... makes life very less complicated. I know it is very difficult to act simple. More so, because, most of the times, we are mistaken as stupid by others and howsomuch you try to avoid this but what others think about us, does mean a lot. But, may be a regular dose of "be simple.. be simple" could help. I am trying that lets see.. if it works :)

So.. getting early results into .. getting ready on time, reaching bus stop on time.. taking proper breakfast.. no hurriedness.. no forgetting something.. no coming back.. easy walk to the colony gate... and peace of mind, which remains with you throughout the day :)

Then you reach office and you know that you have some really funny colleagues, it reduces your burden of working. And although the work is superbly monotonous and only comforting thought is that I have yet not got used to of it. I wish, all the time I am there.. I keep these jhalle colleagues, close by :)

And then I come back from office... walking.. watching people watering their plants, small kids flocking around ice-cream vendors, children taking out their bicycles.. old aunties waiting for the traffic to halt so that they can cross the road.. big cars, playing Hariyanavi songs.. some cheapsters staring at you... and then I stop at one of the several shops I get on my way, just to buy at least something everyday.. most of the times, it is some eatable, but at other times, it could be a pen.. or a nail paint.. or when it is nothing... it has to be gol-gappe. I love gol-gappe!! :)

And then the evenings have to be spent in the park opposite to my hostel... usually an hour.. just sitting there and seeing people enjoying time with their spouse, kids or parents. It feels good to see so many people smiling at one place. They may not be happy all the time, but I am sure that smile wont be fake. And then I come back.. for my daily chores.. talking to mom... a small pooja session.. and an early to bed kinda sleep. I wait for another day to begin... because there is so much needed to be done and I could not wait for all that to happen.

Sometimes, when I am about to sleep.. I feel as if I am falling in love, once again... this time to myself :)

and the story continues...

2010-04-24T14:23:00.003+05:30

Hi blog!!

Took one of the longest happy times break, but back finally :)

It seems that I am not going to miss even a single office, where I would not write a blog in few days after joining. When compared to the three previous offices, this one would come as a mix, neither as workless as office 2 and 3, nor as demanding as office 1. As long as work is interesting, I wont mind working for long long hours, this is a statement I had thrown during my job 1 interview. Thankfully, I lived up to it..I wish once again, I remain the one, who likes what she does.

Anyway, my dad is happy that finally I am into 'corporate culture', which he thinks is a very big stuff, compared to the 'normal' work that I used to do as a journalist. During those days, whenever, I shared those stories with my dad, he said arre.. what is so great about it?? Even if it is sitting for a hunger strike, getting arrested, campaigning for a prime ministerial candidate or leaving Kapil Sibbal speechless for good 30 seconds. Now, he is happy and I could feel that. For the first time in last seven year, after I first started earning - though peanuts - he is looking relaxed and convinced that I am building my career now.

Okay, few words for this new den! It is a pretty cool place and I must say a very comfortable job, when compared to the ones taken up by my other batchmates. A little out of pace, though! But so what.. anyway, I did not have the intention of becoming a marketing tycoon.. so it really does not matter, if this marketing major is not doing any marketing.

While bidding adieu to job 3, I was thinking what the hell am I doing with my career. And then I recalled a statement, whose crux was that you need to be a complete fool to screw your career. So, I thought ok.. lemme see, what I do with it. Experiments!! You know.

Coming back to the office description - nice cafeteria and washrooms! I am very particular about washrooms, because these are the places, I derive most of my positive energy from. In those isolated room, seeing myself in the mirror, I have many times told myself that my life is very much in my control, irrespective of everything that is going on outside. Lets see how it goes here. Abhi toh a long training programme is going on and we are allowed to make mistakes as many as we want. Quite rightly put in by my trainer - training periods are like honeymoons. And life appears to be perfect during honeymoons!

But you know what? Except of one thing - I really do not want my life to be perfect! Perfection kills imagination. The dream to make things perfect for myself drives me. After all, there has to be a reason to welcome the sun, every single morning.

... for now.. only this much.. rest soon :)

2010-04-08T13:07:00.002+05:30

I can't believe this has happened. How CAN I??? How How How?

I forgot that I have a blog!!!!!! I was reading somebody's blog and then thought I too should write one; and then all of a sudden I realised

Oye!!! What the hell!! I have a blog!

My forgetfulness is reaching to dangerous limits now. Need to see a psychiatrist soon, it seems. Any contacts?

2010-04-01T11:52:00.002+05:30

I don't feel anything. I am as numb as a naked body lying on an ice-slab. Sometimes, I think it is truly necessary to shed the baggage of your past to create the future you want, otherwise, life becomes too heavy to be moved ahead.

2010-03-28T01:59:00.003+05:30

Almost all of us remain in our own good world all the time, giving too much importance to ourselves, thinking that what we are doing is very special and we are not supposed to do things that many other ordinary beings are doing, if we are happy with our life, we think we don't need to bother what else is going on, but all this till we get a tight slap of reality that drags us from that all-goodie-goodie world and makes us stand in the row with all the other people, following all the rules and waiting for our turn to come!

The fruits of education

2010-03-25T18:03:00.003+05:30

People find it very contradicting, when I say that I hate studies and exams, but at the same time dream about opening my own schools. However, I don't understand, why does it sound so contradicting. In fact, my hatred towards studies is the strongest reason behind my dream, so that students do not have to undergo any kind of torture and they could relish the process of learning. Does it still sound contradictory?

These days, you'll find a lot of people supporting you when you say that our education system is crappy. Some of them have even taken it seriously are trying to bring some difference in the system. I wish there efforts meet their best output. There are certain organisations, which are working for reforms in education system for over a decade. Certain schools are there, which have applied a changed pedagogy, as well. However, I think we need to check how much of that change has helped our kids now.

I had read a report somewhere that in a school near Bhopal, some science books were introduced in class VIII with supposedly better explanation of concepts. Teachers followed those books for some years. Initially, students enjoyed the change, because the new version was easier and more entertaining. But later, when the same students joined other schools, they lagged behind their counterparts studying in those schools from the beginning. The former did not have their concepts clear and many of them were not able to handle the high academic pressure.

I am happy that many educated individuals are fighting for the betterment of ways in which education is imparted in this country. Lets see, how this whole thing turns out to be. I guess, in next five years we would start seeing the results.

2010-03-25T14:34:00.004+05:30

It is true that dreams are powerful.. so powerful that they make you do anything.. in The Alchemist, Santiago asks the Alchemist that how do people find out what is there destiny; and he answers that the things that make their hearts joyous are the ones we are destined to do. But if these things make our heart joyous, why don't people do them. Because, listening to hearts brings a lot of struggle and suffering .. and the hearts do not want us to suffer.. so they stop talking to us. But only if we could keep our heart seeing us the end picture.. they would keep telling us what they want.. and we would get all the strength to pursue our dreams.

Random thoughts

2010-03-23T14:13:00.002+05:30

Sometimes, you find that the unrealised forces of nature are taking you to a strange place. You feel threatened that this tornado might throw you far far away from your house and perhaps, you would never be able to come back. You desperately try to hold on to whatever you get at that moment, but you still find yourself moving with the force. And then it all gets silent and you are there, where you are destined to be. You like it or not. But I think, it does not mean that all hopes have ended. Wherever we are, a bright star will always shine over our head and it would always guide us back home... just as it guided those three kings to the king of the kings.

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I liked her eyes a lot... so much that on the first day I met here, I actually made a very cheesy statement - 'I am not able to take my eyes off your eyes'. She simply smiled, perhaps in her heart, laughing over my stupid compliment. Anyways, after that I preferred keeping quite before her. She was nice to me and I was new to the place, so I accompanied her twice for lunch. Not at all surprisingly, I made another stupid statement.. I started revealing my opinions about my colleagues, something which I was absolutely forbidden to do. Thankfully, I was very much aware of all the problems I was inviting and hence consciously told myself to keep quite. She again did not give any awkward reaction but definitely understood that I am a novice, who has got a lot to handle. My opinion about her did not change, yet. I was still liking her. But, yesterday.. the way she looked at the lady sitting in front of her. Her beautiful eyes had changed their colours. They were still wide, but now acting like an X-Ray machine. She was trying to pierce into that lady's body and wanted to know everything that was possibly going on in her subject's brain and heart. Her eyes looked very scary, giving her face a very cunning look. I told myself, she has to be a dancer. Her use of eye-brows was perfect to intimidate anybody. I don't know if that lady got intimidated or not... but yes of course, I got. I got scared with the speed those beautiful eyes turned into a mechanical device to gauge people. She knew that she has mesmerising eyes and she knew how to use them. I felt a kind of loss..

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I have a long list of friends, who really bother about me. I won't say that this is the first time I have realised anything like that. There have been a lot of moments when I felt quite blessed. But all those moments were very short lived. I usually complaint a lot to God .. always blaming him.. asking him one question - why the hell is this happening to me, knowing that it is not the worst that could happen to me and there are loads of people, who have successfully dealt with problems worse than mine. But then that is me.. I take three people very for-granted - first my mom, second God and third Arjun. I don't know.. how long Arjun is going to reserve hours of his day for me. But the rest two would remain in this list, forever. But there is one good thing - When I write I feel more positive. In many of my regular diary enteries, I have thanked God again and again, for giving me a lot of things, which I am not sure, if I really deserve. May be that is the reason, why God still loves me.. because somewhere he knows that I feel the same for him, even though I might be bad in expressing it.

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I usually find myself very incompetent for observing fasts. I do not like this feeling of being-hungry-but-unable-to-eat. But nine days of navratras is the time I wait for. I like fasting during navratras. Several times, mom said I should not be doing so, since, there is nobody to take care of my food and all, here. Everytime, I tell her that I'll 'try' to keep fasts as long as possible.. and would break them if I am not feeling comfortable. Thankfully, I never had to break my fast incomplete. Everytime, God made some arrangement. Now, I am bringing God here, because, I did not do anything special to get myself a promised meal, twice a day. It just happened.... just like that. For sure, I am not a very religious person. I do not like compulsive rituals.. or any religious habit that should be permanent in nature. I believe in worshipping God, whenever, wherever and howsoever I want. I believe that the only correct measure to reach to God is the one that does not bring me any unhappiness or inconvenience. I think God also thinks the same way and that is why he arranges convenient food for me, everytime.

-------------

In last four years I have met a lot of people, who tried explaining me that I should not blog about each and everything of my life. Sometimes, they were very convincing also. But then the wisdom did not last for long and sooner or later, I came back to writing personal diaries on my blog. Now, I know that the only way to save myself from writing these details on this public forum is by not having a laptop. With continous jhatakas, which I received with complaints like how can you write this and that and about me and about you etc etc on your blog, I try to become a little vigilant. However, after short spans the eternal indifference comes back.. till the next jhataka. I think I have got used to of this liberty and even though I sincerely believe that my liberty should not create trouble for you.. I convieniently stretch my legs outside my blankett. It's like ignoring a red light on a lonely road. You know, red lights are supposed to be followed.. but you are not such a nerd to follow traffic lights, even when you are the only one travelling. Does the analogy make sense?

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There is one huge problem with being a grown-up and it gets worse, after you start earning. The problem of taking along some gift when you are visiting your relatives' place alone and after a long time. Mom would give suggestions of taking fruits etc.. but they look very wierd. First, fruits look very 'grown-up-kinda-stuff'... something, which perhaps your grandparents used to bring for you, second, good fruits are not available at all the places.. and third, if you get a place with good-looking fruits, they cost like hell. So, obviously.. you get confused.. as to why am I spending 180 bucks to buy 7 - 8 apples. Then the other suggestion comes of sweets. Needless to say.. sweets have become another precious item these days. Rs 600 for a kg of Kaju-katli makes it tastes completely out-of-the-world.. but only when somebody else is buying that for you. Now, I could neither buy 250 grms of any sweet.. nor invest the amount worth a branded T-shirt on a box of mithai for an obsolete relative, so the option gets ruled out. Then you come to eternal rescue - chocolates... available in all sizes and prices. Also, I like these small namkeen packages. They also offer a very good variety.. but are generally available during festival seasons only. These are very safe choices.. until and unless, your relatives are more than 55-years of age and live in a house absolutely without kids. If that is the case, I think we can go empty-handed.. or perhaps, buy fruits.

-------------

2010-03-17T18:52:00.005+05:30

Just take me to some place.. any place that you think I would like.... because you know what I like... Don't tell me, where we are going... you know I won't ask you.. because you know that I trust you.. and I know that when you are there, everything has to fall on place... please come, because I am missing you... please come, because you know that I am waiting for you... please come, forgetting about everything that stops you.. please come, because you are the only one, I need right now.. please come and take me away... anywhere.

2010-03-17T15:19:00.001+05:30

Yaar.. mera kuch karne ka mann kar raha hai .. but samajh nahi aa raha ki kya karun. Let me write here some jokes.. may be my occasional readers would get a good laugh..

Santa's wife gives birth to a baby-girl, after many years of their marriage. But Santa is not happy about this.
Santa to his wife: Mujhe beta chahiye tha
Santa's wife to Santa: Chupp baitho.. tumhare sahare rehti toh yeh bhi nahi hoti!!

Beti, phone par apni Maa se shaadi ke 2 din baad: Maa.. Maa.. aaj meri inse bahut badi lagai ho gai..
Maa: Arre beti, shaadi ke baad miya - biwi main jhagade toh hote rehte hain..
Beti: Arre wo sab toh theek hai, ab yeh batao ki is laash ka kya karna hai!!!

Santa Banta jaa rahe the, paas se ek sundar ladaki gujari..
Santa: Kya maal hai..
Banta: Haan maal se dhyaan aaya, bhabhi ke kya haal hai??

Katil apne Lawyer se: Har haal main koshish karna ki mujhe umr-kaid ki sazaa ho, fansi nahi..
Lawyer: Bilkul.
AFTER THE COURT
Katil: Kya hua?
Lawyer: Badi mushkil se umr-kaid dilai hai.. wo saala judge toh tumhe riha karne pe tula tha!!

Santa to Banta: Ek aadmi ke haath main 6 fingers the, aur log use Rumjhum bulate the.. batao kyun?
Banta (after thinking a lot): Kyun?
Santa: Kyunki uska naam Rumjhum tha!!!

Santa ne 1 Chinese ladaki se shaadi ki aur wo 1 saal baad mar gai. Santa bahut dukhi ho raha tha.
Aise main Banta: Dukhi mat ho yaar.. China ka maal tha, kitne dil chalta.

Give a little thought to this sentence:
'The first man, who discovered Cow-milk, whoever he was, what the hell was he trying to do with the Cow.'

Gaur farmaiye.... Arz kiya hai.... "Jungle main sapere been liye baithe hain... jungle main sapere been liye baithi hain... Saap aur bhi kameene hai, doorbeen liye baithe hai"

Chalo aaj ke liye itna kafi hai.. milte hain fir ;)

2010-03-15T13:55:00.000+05:30

News papers have again started writing a lot of stuff about IIM placements. You are an MBA or not... but the humongous figures these guys get, definitely startle you. The mere thought that what do they do with these Rs 75 lakh or Rs 1.6 crore packages, drags you in a wild world.. where, for an instance, you think that this could be the ultimate life, one could imagine. Awesome. You forget the endless number of sayings, which say that money can't buy everything and etc etc. What all comes to your mind is... they are intelligent people and they have got their worth and their lives are now going to be cakewalks... I wish, I too had a similar life.. what luxury would be there, which I would not be able to afford... I would be seeing the world.. staying in best hotels, travelling in superbly comfortable vehicles.. buying all the things, I have ever wanted for myself or my family and friends, without looking at the price-tag.. I would have all the money to help people.. to change destinies.. to be a master of myself.

I don't know what feeling comes to the mind of people, who get such packages.. but yes for their counterparts, studying in the colleges, which seem to have burgeoned like a mushroom crop, they sure are one hell of an imagination. The Alchemist says that one who has money is never really alone. It is very true also. But I seriously want to know.. how much difference money could bring to a person's life?

And what really brings difference to a person's life?

Isn't all people absolutely same at one point.. irrespective of their abilities. They all have exactly the same good and bad elements and they keep on displaying it all through their lives.. wherever they are and how much they earn. They all... die for their families.. want to fall in love.. fail to understand people... break hearts.. are full of ego.. are used to of ignoring people, who love them.. get tired of money, whatever they are earning.. are never really content... always have loads of friends, but very few real friends.. have materialistic behaviour of various degrees... can't really change their nature.. hate their bosses.. never think that they get the true worth of their efforts.. have big and small dreams... rarely do the things, they should really be doing... give more priority to their brains than hearts..feel lonely at times... don't feel the necessity to express their emotions...

Aren't these things found in each and every individual... then why they all look so different? I wish I could have found that reasons, that bring difference to my life at least.

2010-03-14T19:34:00.003+05:30

Yes, I am vulnerable and weak and want to depend on people and seek help, because I am a human being... and I presume that the difference between me and many other human beings, who say that they are strong and do not look for sympathy, is that they are afraid of being tagged as weak, if they accept this.

I am sure.. both kinds of people reach to their destinies and both of them have equal chances to survive. I have the courage to reveal my vulnerability and they have the strength to hide it.

2010-03-13T20:37:00.004+05:30

Sometimes, I find it so difficult to adjust with mindsets. As if people have decided to think about or do certain things, that according to me do not make sense. For example, if I would say, please keep this particular information to yourself, they'll definitely tell it to everyone; if I would say, this is one thing I do not like in you, they'll keep repeating that in front of me. This makes me think.. what is the problem. Am I not able to communicate myself properly, or its that at some point of times, we all become assholes. I am sorry for using a bad word, here. But I could not think about any other word right now that could describe the idiocy in people I am talking about. Idiocy, not in terms of brain-usage, but in being completely irrational, stubborn and unreasonable.

I am sure.. I too would have done the same, at some point of time and I never realised it that I am being such an idiot. May be I should not blame people for this peculiar behaviour. It is human nature... As involuntary and abruptly appearing as envy, jealousy, pride and ego. We never accept that we have that... but everyone around us knows that it is overflowing in us. How ignorant we are towards our own selves. Its horrible to think that way. Imagine, somebody used that same bad word for me for some reason at some point of time; and I think I never did that what other people do. Ignorance, bringing me real bliss.

Anyway. This self-realisation does not grant people the right to be irrational, stubborn and unreasonable. I can try to better.. but so should be others.

I choose, not to write a title..

2010-03-09T12:07:00.002+05:30

After many days, you open your orkut account and you find that at least 10% of your total friends have added pictures to their accounts. Some of them went abroad on holidays, some of them changed their jobs, some were celebrating festivals, some got married.. happy faces every where... and for some time you feel that except you, everyone else in your friend circle is happy and satisfied. You are the only one, who has not been to any leave for a long time, do not have a office worth featuring on these sites and don't have that kind of fun-loving company. That depresses me at times, do you also feel that social networking sites give you complex?

I wonder, if my acquaintances are enjoying their lives so much, then why no body calls to tell me what is making them so happy. Is that because, I am not included in that happiness.. or they are too busy to call and tell me.. or it's a special kind of happiness called 'Internet happiness', which gets displayed only on facebook and orkut pictures, but not so much on the real life.

I have observed that things never change much.. especially, the recurring ones. My birthday is happening for last so many years.. same with the special days of all other people special to me... valentine's day, women's day, mother's day, Holi, diwali etc etc come every year. Some of my dear friends get married every year, some of my dear ones get blessed with babies every year. Some people, known to me, die every year. But my life has not changed much by any of these. Nothing has changed much in me the way I treat life or the way life treats me.

Sometimes, these days get celebrated in a very joyous way and become memorable for a long time. But then things come back on the track. This kind of life does not interest me. And I am too bored to write even a single extra line. So bye!

The Live Hockey Match!

2010-03-04T17:04:00.004+05:30

Yesterday ended unexpectedly, just stopping me from thinking that something is terribly wrong in this building and all my days are going to be bad. With an obviously sad day, I was waiting for my senior to inform me about what is happening to my file. At 8'o clock, I was finally deciding to make a move and go home, when a colleague asked me, if I would like to go for the Hockey World Cup match between India and Australia. She had few spare tickets. "Yes", came out as a reflex action. Reflex because my mom thinks that whenever I have been asked by people to come somewhere, I have never said no. Obviously, this is not true. The only worry was how would I reach the PG.. and to my relief, that colleague stayed close to my place and hence promised me to drop me at home.

In her car, I came to know that she has got two tickets of a premium stand and the rest of the general ones. Since, she was with her husband, so I had to take up that general ticket. She was feeling awkward about asking me to sit seperately. But I was so overwhelmed with the joy of watching a live match that I was completely indifferent about being alone and the feeling remained the same even after the game ended. So, in about 20 minutes we reached Major Dhyan Chand Stadium. My colleague had to entre through a different gate and so they got down. I got down at Gate No. 5, a few minutes farther from their gate. It was decided that I'll catch up with those guys at the same gate after the game ends.

Gate No. 5, was much more vibrant than that premium ticket gate. Right from this moment, I stopped feeling unaccompanied. Obviously, the janta was manifolds in number. Most of them were college students and amazingly a large number of girls had also come. Before this, I had seen a live cricket match between India and Pakistan at Green Park Stadium, Kanpur. I know there is no point comparing a cricket match with a hockey match, but, I was impressed with the crowd. Most of the people looked fairly decent and later in the stadium I came to know that they were well-informed about the game also, prettly unlike me, who has come due to a free ticket.

The queue was not very large. I got in in less than 5 minutes. Then we had to go through some 5 rounds of security check. I was not carrying anything except my wallet so I got through the check-points soon and entered the corridor. The stadium was right outside the corridor and the voices from the field and stands was very clear. I felt the thrill of reaching to the end of some treasure hunt. My entrance was on the other end of the stadium and I had to literally run in order to reach there on time, since the teams had already lined up. The game began the moment I entered the stadium. And Holy Cow! What a view it was. Contrary to the dusty, blurred and vast look of cricket match I had seen...it was clear and close. Bathing in the flood light, the stadium appeared brighter than the day light. All the players were very well visible along with the while little ball that looked very cute. I was able to see the passes, players made, who made them and all other minute details that we see in TV, eg. the delightful expression on the face of the player making the goal. And for the other details, which perhaps we missed due to the physical hyperactivity of the fans, we had a vast side-screen right behind us. So, everytime the players clogged at the other end of the field, we immediately turned our head back to check whats happening. I write 'we', because by now, I sub-consciously had forgotten that I am alone and everybody around me appeared to be a very good companion.

All the interesting comments coming out in Punjabi accent were truly a treat to my ears. "Oye.. patthe!!.. puttar seedhdhe aakar thonkane ka.. ".. "yaar, yeh apna chotu sardara wadda dhillla hai.. inne pakad de train karne di zarurat paya si.."...etc etc. There was one sardar uncle, who did commentary for the entire game. He would scream at Indian players for not hitting from the 'point'.. "point se maaro.. point se".. many times, he would say. Also, he was cursing Australian players for them being so quick. "Yeh lambi lambi tange hai.. toh tej bhagate hai.. hamare toh waise hi mare jaa rahe hain".. At several places, he also suggested our team what to do in order to save themselves a defeat. Alas! None of his suggestions were considered.

After Australia scored three goals, India got its first penalty stroke and it happened on the other side of the field. Audience, sitting on that side, started hysterical clapping so for a moment we thought its a goal and the audience, sitting on this side, went crazy for good ten seconds, before they felt that nothing is happening on the field as a mark of celebration for the goal. The brouhaha stopped.. confusion prevailed... okay, it is a penalty stroke.. but so what... and the uproar followed.

India missed this penalty stroke and the one that came later. However, they somehow managed two goals and I guess, the crowd was not expecting much, looking at the game our team displayed. Australians clearly dominated us. In the whole match, barring a couple of occasions in the first half, India was largely defensive. Whenever the home-team got the chance to attack, they spent a lot of time in juggling the ball between the players standing on the sides of the goal-post, whereas, Aussies were attacking right from the front. The latter also looked much more synchronised and fast. It was nice watching them play. As my colleague said, cheer for India, but cherish the Australian play. Since, I do not understand Hockey, so my performance-analysis should stop here. But I thoroughly enjoyed each and everybit of the occasion. I can get more free tickets and perhaps would go and watch some more world-cup matches. Ho sakta hai dheere dheere hockey bhi samajh aa jaye! :)

P.S: Later, when I met my colleague again, she told me that it took them 20 minutes to get through the premium stand entrance and by the time, they entered the stadium, Australia had already scored two goals. So.. definitely, money can't buy everything ;)

2010-03-03T15:33:00.001+05:30

How pleasant everything appears to be, till you get it. Grass being greener on the other side. This long queue of volunteers outside the office, must be so excited about being a part of the Games. They'll be eager to be taken in and write about this in their resumes. Perhaps, everybody working inside this building would have felt the same at some point of time. After all, this brand is too big to attract anybody. But what after you get in?

Generally dissatisfaction is accompanied by unhappiness. But what I generally observe in this building is a state of unhappiness with satisfaction. Satisfied for being compensated well to maintain a life standard and perhaps, a promising future. Unhappy.. because, they really do not have much to do and when work comes, the mind and body that has adopted lethargy and procrastination as regular features takes a lot to overcome the inertia and obviously, the ego finds it hard to accept, hence, resists and cribs and gets unhappy. It would be interesting to examine a society, where people are regularly supplied with appreciable amount of money and are not made accountable for work. If they do it, well and good, if they don't do it, still well and good. Various patterns of human behaviour would come out. Of course, their would always be some people bitten by sincerity bug, who would like to work in order to feel deserving for all this free supply of money and at the end they would again crib for such callousness of people towards their jobs etc. But more interesting would be to see, how long the things, which people think they are not able to pursue because of the job, remain interesting for them. For eg. how long the women will shop and how much the men would watch sport channels; also, how much they both would like to sleep. Would then they reach the category, where they are not dissatisfied and not unhappy.

I don't know, if the above paragraph makes any sense. May be you can read it once more to decide. However, I personally feel that I have just described a very complex state of human mind.

What is the first instinct of people on the first day of their job. Do they join an organisation, thinking that 'ok, lemme see.. how could I manage to work as less as possible'? There would be some people, who think like that, for eg. some of my batchmates, who have got placed in PSUs and have already made their mind that they have got a 'cool' job. Cool here means... 9 to 5 job, without any boss sitting over your head to cut down your variable pay, if you do not meet the targets... or the one, where you can think about staying for your whole life. There will be more definitions of cool job, eg. the one that draws you 7 or 8 -figure salary... but context creates the difference.

Coming back to the point, what does people think about when they join a job? My gentle heart suggests that they are generally poisitive about the work they would be expected to do. It's after spending sometime, they start hating it. Sometime might range from a week to many months. In my case, I started hating the MBA hoopla from the second class on the first day of my orientation programme. But I think, I am not an ideal case to be discussed.

So, after joining.. they find that things are not the way they had expected. Although, it is the first thought that comes to mind, but it is not a very significant one.. since, most of us are ready for these unexpected turns. Second, they see that their colleagues are really not working as much as they are required to do and yet the company is feeding them well. This sows the seeds of feeling ok about 'kamchori'. We know, when everyone does the same thing, no one is wrong. Worklessness makes us feel that we are not utilised well.. and that makes us think that we are worth for much more than what we are getting - means, we are underpaid. This breeds dissatisfaction, unhappiness, probe for a better company and resignation. I have tried to define the cycle in few words, the real process is much lengthy and confusing. But I guess, my observation is close to reality.

I agree there would be exceptions. Biology and philosophy are the studies of ordinary people in the ocean of exceptions.

But while all these transformations happen, what do companies do? Can't people find out the thought in their sub-ordinates, which they found in themselves sometime back, or are still finding. Is it difficult to cater? I am more curious than critical. The extreme inability of companies in utilising the potential of employees, whom they have selected after an intensive and complex recruitment process is amazing. Even after all the aptitude tests and interviews, they still do not know what their employee expects.. or.. what else.. I don't know??

I would like to believe that human beings are basically good in nature. They can be inherently lazy, but they like to make some positive contributions in their environment and require continuous external motivation to do that. Now the responsibility to provide this motivation, lies with the organisation. And one of the possible reasons, why they are not able to do this is because the people, who have been hired to find this out are the ones, who are equally disinterested in their jobs. One question that often pops up in my mind, when I see some really lousy people working on some really high posts is how do they reach here? Definitely, it is not because of their ability of doing the work, they are supposed to do at that post. What they have is a good strategic mind.. and they do a solid homework before taking up the task, knowing all the soft and the hard points in that organisation and how to play around them. One could say that I am much too inexperienced to make a comment like this.. but I guess, I would say the same thing, even after ten years.

Holi hai :D

2010-02-28T22:30:00.003+05:30

Holi is my favourite festival and I like everything about it. The enthusiasm, colours, food, spirit, josh.. just everything.. the feeling, where you can irritate anybody to any extent and then with complete besharmi, announce, "bura na maano, holi hai"!! Holi hai.. toh what???

You can throw me into a tub, where three dozen people have already taken bath?
You can mix bhang to my food?
You can put that purple powder into my hair?
You can paint me white?
You will stand with a hose-pipe on the road, from morning, and throw water on every passer-by?
You will make a coloured cross on every animal, who passes from that street?
You would walk with those dirty foot in the entire house and make the floor - yellow, blue, purple, green and red?
You will make the walls of the house look like a piece of modern art?
You will ruin my morning by planning how to colour me, even before I get up?
You will make me stand in the kitchen the whole day, demanding hot kachouries to be served, everytime you come after colouring spells?
You will go and dance with that dirty and indecent ladaka-log on some rowdy bhojpuri songs?
You will go to different muhallah and challenge other people to come out and respond to your balloon war?
You will search and buy the worst paint in the market, which would not get off before 3 days?

Does this you want to do ... if it is Holi.?

Yess... everything..... e v e r y t h i n g! I love it, after all!

2010-02-27T11:41:00.002+05:30

I am feeling two extremely opposite emotions, at the same time; and due to the same reason. One feeling is of intense sadness that has come because a part of my heart has parted from me. I am feeling vacant, lonely and incomplete and that makes me sad. The other is the feeling of relaxation and hope that says that it is the time to untie the rope I had tied so hard and fly. I have never felt like this before... it is a situation where my dilemma is 100 % concentrated.. and I am so overwhelmingly convinced that there is nothing I can do about it. So, I have literally stopped feeling anxious about the whole situation and am sitting in my small cocoon, patiently waiting for the bubble to burst to find out what happens next. Whatever happens, it would be exciting, I am sure.

Some from so many...

2010-02-26T12:56:00.004+05:30

Sometimes, when you take yourself less seriously, you realise that all other people around you are quite important, at least, in their respective eco-systems. You find that they have their own battles to fight and they are doing it pretty well.. they may not be able to envisage a better India, but they definitely are striving to get themselves a better lifestyle, education and society... at the end.. a more satisfied individual.

While some people are visionaries and some are strategists, these lakhs of unidentified individuals are the silent executors of some great social dreams. If only a visionary can see how to involve them and a strategist could find out the ways to make them understand that their basic necessities in life are directly related to this dream, they could be made a part of any revolution.

A lot of times, these faces look so similar to each other.. all are tired, want to go back home, eat good food, spend sometime with their loved ones, make them understand that they are doing it all only for them, sleep peacefully, need some recognition from society and a relief from their heart that while living their lives only for a few people they did not waste it and they are no less important than people, who have found a bigger purpose to live. They all have stories and they all are important.. Most of the times, if you would try to look deep into their eyes, you would realise that their faces might look strange to you, but they are not so strange also.

Time to get ready...

2010-02-22T21:16:00.004+05:30

One more time, I have to pack my world and move to a new destination.. a new world, which would not be more than 50 sq. feet... with a new set of faces looking at me with the hope that I would be a good roommate and would not mess around.. with a new fragrance coming out of a kitchen, waiting for me to get used to of it soon... with a new fussiness about the bathroom... a new address... a new beginning... a new make-yourself-understand-phase that I am a human being and human beings get used to of everything - good or bad.

Sadly, the day has come, when I have to leave college and start searching for a place in the real world... the bad, brutal, demanding and reprimanding world. Am I sounding too negative about it? May be yes... but this transition phase is too painful, at least for me. The thought of being an official student and hence the luxury of living an 'all-for-my-own-self' is very comforting. Now, it is getting snatched away and the time is coming, where no comfort would be bestowed on me, just because daddy has paid tuition, hostel and mess fees. I have to prove myself and have to get ready to take up charges, first hand!

Anyway... can't help it!

So, the world - here comes Cinderella.. you may appear fearful to me, but trust me, you would not win. All these times, I have seen a dream and all the discomfort, I am feeling right now, is only a price I am paying you to reach to that dream.

Get ready...

V-Day specials!

2010-02-14T00:48:00.002+05:30

There is an urdu word called 'rumani'.. or 'roomani'. I could not find a suitable English translation for this word. It is close to the feel of a fantasy or an imagination, where everything is perfectly romantic... mixed with divinity, impeccable yet difficult to comprehend. Right now, I feel like being in one such situation. I always get very excited with Valentine's day. Although, nothing even worth noticing has happened to me on any of the V-days ever.. but yet I found it very rumani. I make myself believe that the day has to be celebrated, even if you are alone. After all, there will be many pairs of people, who would be waiting for this day all through the year.

I generally celebrate my V-day, listening to songs. Here are some lyrics, very close to my heart and often the reasons that skip me to that rumaniyat.

Hold me
Let me feel you
in my arms again
Softly you whisper…
my life… my best friend

A moment is all I am searching for
Just a moment in love with you
A moment so special so beautiful
In a moment my wish comes true

Save me from the future
Take me back in time
Words they have no meaning
Without you in my

I see the magic cloud around
Shining down to me
With you my life would be so right
If only it could be
May be this world is a mystery to me
May be this world is a mystery to me
But if you could be here for eternity

A moment is all I am searching for
Just a moment in love with you
A moment so special so beautiful
In a moment my wish comes true

My wish comes true

and this para-graph from I'll always be right there for you

I believe in US- nothin' else could ever mean so much
-you're the one i trust out time has come-
we're not two people-now-we are one-
ya you're second to none forever-we will be-
together-a family

and then nothing could fantasize love as much as this ghazal..

Kabhi yun bhi toh ho..
dariyaa kaa saahil ho, poore chaand ki raat ho
aur tum aao
kabhi yu bhi to ho
pariyon ki mahfil ho, koi tumhaari baat ho
aur tum aao
kabhi yu bhi to ho -

kabhi yu bhi to ho
ye naram mulayam thandi hawayein
jab ghar se tumhaare guzaren, tumhaari khushboo churayen
mere ghar le aayen
kabhi yu bhi to ho -

sooni har mahfil ho, koi naa mere saath ho
aur tum aao
kabhi yu bhi to ho

kabhi yu bhi to ho
ye baadal aise toot ke barse
mere dil ki tarah milne ko, tumhaara dil bhi tarse
tum niklo ghar se
kabhi yu bhi to ho -
tanhaai ho dil ho, boonde ho barsaat ho
aur tum aao
kabhi yu bhi to ho

And now comes the Blue Night, MLTR

When the blue night is over my face
on the dark sky of the world in space
When I am all alone with the stars above
you are the one, I love

---
jisne pairon ke nishaan bhi nahi chhode peeche..
us musafir ka pata bhi nahi poocha karte..
tune awaaz nahi di kabhi mudh ke warna,
hum kai sadiyan, tujhe ghoom ke dekha karte
haath chhote toh rishte nahi chhota karte..
waqt ki shaakh se lamhe nahi toota karte..
chhoot gaye yaar, na chhooti yaari maula..

---

unse nazare kya mili... roshan fizaye ho gai..
aaj jaana pyaar ki jaadu gari kya cheeze hai..

---

tare hain barati, chandani hai yeh baraat
saton phere honge ab haathon main leke haath
jeewan saathi hum, diya aur baati hum..

---

tumse kitna pyaar hai dil main utar kar dekh lo
na yakeen aaye toh phir dil badal kar dekh lo
humne apni har saans par, naam tera likh diya
ek tujhse paani ki khatir, khud ko pagal kar liya
ishq main tum bhi sanam, hadd se gujar kar dekh lo

jaane kyun sari jahan se, ho gaye hain bekhabar
jab se tum aankhon main aaye, jagati hai yeh nazar
apni raaton se meri, raatein badal kar dekh lo

--

I think i need to take a break now, since have to go and sleep now.. But more V-day special would be added soon

So, all the people who are already in love or are waiting for that special someone.. A very very happy V-day.. May this Feb 14, becomes the best ever..

The Dark Night

2010-01-13T03:06:00.003+05:30

Not feeling sleepy! How would I, after already taking a sound sleep of 4 hours in afternoon. Besides, there is one very peculiar habit of hostelers - they won't do a thing at the time, when it should be done. They would get up at 10'o clock. Take breakfast at 12 noon. Lunch at 4'o clock... some munching.. skip the bath or may be take it in evening.. go for snacks and take dinner at 10' o clock.. chat till 12 midnight.. go to a friend's room after that and spend another hour making fun of other classmates.. come back, watch a movie.. make maggie or may be survive on Namkeen or Kurkure or whatever that is available at the arm's length.. and feel sleepy when the sun is planning to rise.

This is not a state that comes rarely and I know how to handle it. The only difference today is that the tube-light in my room is not working and hence it is very dark here; and darkness makes me anxious. Every spot on the wall appears to be a man-eating moth that would anytime bite me up, causing a rash or a boil or some skin disease. Then I would use my cell phone's light to check what exactly it is and 100 % of times it comes out to be a spot on the wall. I don't understand why I can't see all these things when there is plenty of light in my room. Similarly in dark, every thing covered with a white sheet appears to be a corpse. You know what, without light all those things that never existed during the light, take shapes that are always scary, and start moving. Howsoever hard you try to look at that object, you would never come to know of its actual shape and substance. If it is a lengthy tape like thing, it would always be a snake and any hanging cloth would be a person standing there, whom you were not able to see in the broad day-light.

And I have yet not come to the sounds that come when the lights are switched off. Your own bed, which pampers you all the time, makes strange noises as if something deep into its wood is struggling to come out and so is making a tunnel to the surface. And then this air-conditioning system also undergo some drastic change during dark. The blower, which earlier was so loud that you could not listen to your roommate's voice, becomes absolutely sound-proof. You could hear people on the upper floor, moving their furniture. God knows why anybody has to move furniture at 3'o clock in the night. And also, some strange voices come from your own stomach..... tooiiinnnnnnn. Heard of that saying - andhere main toh apna saya bhi saath chhode deta hai! And needless to mention - the universally scary and popular tick tick sound from wall-clock.

Trust me.. if you are awake between 3 to 4'o clock and there is no light in your room and you are still thinking about your girl/boy friend, you are very brave and deserve all admirations, at least from me. I picked up a habit (which was very good for me, but annoying for my parents) from my grandparents. They used to live in a small town, deprived of electricity for almost the entire night. So, to manage this, they used to keep a torch with them. I also started keeping a torch with me, even if there was a night-bulb. What if you get up in night and there is no electricity out there. It happened with me a couple of times.. and I thought I have suddenly got blind and then I would look for a ray of light and close both my eyes one-by-one to check that the two are working, equally. So, to get rid of this, I kept torch with me.. but there is no torch here in my room and I can't buy it before tomorrow.

I guess.. I am gonna keep my laptop open, the whole night, to serve for the purpose. Thanks to the technology..

Good night.. and I could still here some insects hitting my window pane and somebody trying to cut my door through an axe. It can't be true... it cannot be.. there are guards out there..

2010-01-06T01:34:00.001+05:30

I
PUBLICLY
DECLARE
THAT I
CANNOT STUDY,
JUST CANNOT
STUDY!!!

Faith Vs. Logic

2010-01-04T02:16:00.003+05:30

What do you think works more - Faith or Logic? Or, do you really think that you need to completely understand something before you can start believing on it. I do not know the answer, but yes, I am biased towards faith.. and if you ask me what is one thing that exceptionally belongs to India then my answer would be "FAITH". We Indians could believe on anything and everything and this is what makes us special; and this is what gives us the courage to forgive, because somewhere we have the faith that God will give back people what they deserve; and this is what makes us fall in love and carry it forward till the end of our lives, when many of our counterparts in many countries thriving on logic, practicality and rationality can't sustain their relationships even for few years.

What it is, if not faith that when we see a temple in the corner of a street, we simply bow down our head, only for ourselves; or why we still give consent for arranged marriages with people we have never really known; or why we touch our parents feet before going for a feat in life; or why do we want only good things to happen with us, at least on the first day of the year; or why do we tell others to give your best shot in everything you do and leave the rest on the God; or why do we see the row of devotees in Shani Temple increasing manifolds, every Saturday.

I hardly meet people who do not admire the lessons from Bhagwat Geeta that you should do your action and not really get obsessed about the result, irrespective of whether they follow it or not. But isn't the entire concept of Bhagwat Geeta is an emergence of our Faith, or do we really have people to witness the presence of lord Krishna.

And who said that we should not keep faith in our religion. What is a religion, if not a process to get some discipline in your life, while believing that it may take us closer to God. I understand that with a long row of crooks, telling you how to manipulate rituals to get personal benefits, it is obvious to develop a dislike for religion, religious activities, pooja and everything concerned. But, does a wrong portrayal means that the object is equally wrong? And who should take the plunge of finding the truth, if not we, individuals.

I do not find any reason for not believing in everything people talk about - personification of God, avatars, ghosts, kundalis, tantra-mantra etc etc. Trust me, a lot of these things I have personally observed in people. I have seen how people, who know absolutely nothing about you, get to tell you some highly personal details like your relationship with your parents, the colours you like and what all makes you angry, just by seeing your kundali.

Here I'll like to explain an instance. Once I was sitting with a person, who is good in observing kundalis. She, while seeing a guy's horoscope, said that according to the horoscope the person would be caught in a criminal activity, live in a jail for sometime and get entangled into related legalities for a long time. And the other calculations suggest that the thing should have happened by now.. and guess what? Right after she said so, that guy's wife disclosed that this has already happened leading to his health problems for which she had come to ask for a remedy. Now you only tell me, how can anything like that happen??

I personally do not believe in blind faith. I strongly feel that unless and until you get the satisfactory proofs, you should not believe in anything. I like Swami Vivekanand because of this - because he believed in asking questions to anybody and every body without getting afraid of anything. He never really believed that Swami Ramkrishna Paramhansa is really a great Saint, till he himself found that through lots of question-answers and counter-arguments. Interestingly, Swami Paramhansa, never felt offended by Vivekananda's quest for truth.

My point here is why should we have a prejudice on whether to believe or not. Not believing on something is always easier than believing. Why should we not explore and then decide what to do? Why to keep a mindset that a particular thing that our country and ancesstors have been following for ages is something that should not be believed on?

What is this kundali people talk so much about? Is it really some science or just a plain drawing that actually tells nothing but has been given a lot of undue attention? Can mantras really change our fate? Lets explore... after all, the one who finds, gets the truth!

The 1st post of the Year and nothing special about it.

2010-01-03T20:19:00.006+05:30

So.. the new year has begun and three days have already passed. However, nothing much seems to change around me, except of people teasing me for my new haircut followed by a new year wish. By change I realise that no remarkable change is going to come in my life.. just because 2009 has become 2010. After all, who cares.. what's the year is. But still, in the joy of welcoming an altogether new year, you wish that may be you'll also get some motivation to clear off the past baggage.

When I was a child, I desperately used to wait for clock to tick 12 midnight on Dec 31. Right after this happens, I would write diary.. with date in a different colour - FRIDAY Jan 1, 2010. It used to be so much fun.. just enjoying writing a different year in the date, since, the rest keeps on repeating every year... year after year. In MBA, not much of any class-work thing is to be done. So you don't even write dates.. thast, if you are taking notes... that, if you are in the class... and that, if there is a class at the first place. And blogs take the place of diary and hence, you really do not have to update the date.

Anyway.

As the course is reaching its completion.. I am missing college, more and more. I know, I was waiting for the college to get over.. and I was frustrated for the monotony and uselessness of being here. But, at the same time, I loved officially being a student. I can start a new blog on how much fun the student status brings in one's life. I wish.. I could remain an official student all my life. Please do not suggest me to keep studying in the same class, year after year. Yeah! I do get such bright suggestions.

Whatever.. I choose to remain happy this year, as I chose to do last year. Also, even if one should not wait for a new year to take resolutions.. I still use this time to resolute to see many many places this year, without waiting for a company and I resolute to do 'First Things First' :)

Wish list :)

2009-12-24T16:07:00.006+05:30

Merry Christmas :)

The moment to make wishes has arrived and unlike Arjun, who has decided to keep fast on every Thursday, wishing for World Peace.. I decide to get personal this time.

1. A very very very very well paying job that could bring me HELL lot of money. So much that it just becomes a piece of paper for me. And to get this, I am ready to forget certain things in life, at least, for a short while that could even last for 3 or 4 years; things like my own belief that your job should satisfy your purpose in life. For all that financial independence; my desire to travel and send mom, dad and bhai on a world tour; and become somebody, who can sustain not only herself but others as well, I could push myself to become a sack of sugar, sit on the chair, look into the monitor and do the most monotonous job of the world.

After all... I am doing this for myself :)

2. Please Santa, give me the love I deserve.. the love from parents, kins, friends and the person I love. Please, grant me the life with loud laughters, smiling faces and soothing voices. Where people love me a lot and they could express it as much as they feel it. Where, the beauty of my joys does not get burried under a pile of excuses and my hopes are not burdened with busy schedules. Let nobody ignore me and let me not ask for anything more than what my loved ones could deliver. Please spread a rainbow, without a blue colour, on all the people I know.. have known or will ever know.

3. Please Santa, give me the wisdom to identify and the strength to keep myself away from all the vice in the world. May I get involved in all worldly pleasures and yet not forget the purpose of my life. May I not forget that loneliness would only make me stronger and that God will always accompany me, wherever, I go. May I spread joy and earn respect for myself. May I never stop learning and may I never become too poor to stop sharing.

Amen... and Love you a lot, Dear God :)

A Man's Requirements!

2009-12-24T15:52:00.001+05:30

I
Love me Sweet, with all thou art,
Feeling, thinking, seeing;
Love me in the lightest part,
Love me in full being.

II
Love me with thine open youth
In its frank surrender;
With the vowing of thy mouth,
With its silence tender.

III
Love me with thine azure eyes,
Made for earnest grantings;
Taking colour from the skies,
Can Heaven's truth be wanting?

IV
Love me with their lids, that fall
Snow-like at first meeting;
Love me with thine heart, that all
Neighbours then see beating.

V
Love me with thine hand stretched out
Freely -- open-minded:
Love me with thy loitering foot, --
Hearing one behind it.

VI
Love me with thy voice, that turns
Sudden faint above me;
Love me with thy blush that burns
When I murmur 'Love me!'

VII
Love me with thy thinking soul,
Break it to love-sighing;
Love me with thy thoughts that roll
On through living -- dying.

VIII
Love me in thy gorgeous airs,
When the world has crowned thee;
Love me, kneeling at thy prayers,
With the angels round thee.

IX
Love me pure, as muses do,
Up the woodlands shady:
Love me gaily, fast and true,
As a winsome lady.

X
Through all hopes that keep us brave,
Farther off or nigher,
Love me for the house and grave,
And for something higher.

XI
Thus, if thou wilt prove me, Dear,
Woman's love no fable,
I will love thee -- half a year --
As a man is able.

- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Wow!

2009-12-24T15:38:00.001+05:30

Poem lyrics of Lord Walter's Wife by Elizabeth Barrett Browning. I

I

'But where do you go?' said the lady, while both sat under the yew,
And her eyes were alive in their depth, as the kraken beneath the sea-blue.

II

'Because I fear you,' he answered; - 'because you are far too fair,
And able to strangle my soul in a mesh of your gold-coloured hair.'

III

'Oh that,' she said, 'is no reason! Such knots are quickly undone,
And too much beauty, I reckon, is nothing but too much sun.'

IV

'Yet farewell so,' he answered; - 'the sunstroke's fatal at times.
I value your husband, Lord Walter, whose gallop rings still from the limes.

V

'Oh that,' she said, 'is no reason. You smell a rose through a fence:
If two should smell it what matter? who grumbles, and where's the pretense?

VI

'But I,' he replied, 'have promised another, when love was free,
To love her alone, alone, who alone from afar loves me.'

VII

'Why, that,' she said, 'is no reason. Love's always free I am told.
Will you vow to be safe from the headache on Tuesday, and think it will hold?

VIII

'But you,' he replied, 'have a daughter, a young child, who was laid
In your lap to be pure; so I leave you: the angels would make me afraid."

IX

'Oh that,' she said, 'is no reason. The angels keep out of the way;
And Dora, the child, observes nothing, although you should please me and stay.'

X

At which he rose up in his anger, - 'Why now, you no longer are fair!
Why, now, you no longer are fatal, but ugly and hateful, I swear.'

XI

At which she laughed out in her scorn: 'These men! Oh these men overnice,
Who are shocked if a colour not virtuous is frankly put on by a vice.'

XII

Her eyes blazed upon him - 'And you! You bring us your vices so near
That we smell them! You think in our presence a thought 'twould defame us to hear!

XIII

'What reason had you, and what right, - I appeal to your soul from my life, -
To find me so fair as a woman? Why, sir, I am pure, and a wife.

XIV

'Is the day-star too fair up above you? It burns you not. Dare you imply
I brushed you more close than the star does, when Walter had set me as high?

Here I come.... the Year 2010!

2009-12-22T11:23:00.006+05:30

The year 2009 is ending.. and so are the days to fill in even more fun. I must say that it remained one of the most happening years of my life till now. In the beginning of this year, I had a promise to myself - I am gonna make this year, the best of my life; and I think I have succeeded to a large extent. I started 2009 with a visit to home and I'll be biding adieu to it while being at home.

What all I have done this time.. While most of my colleagues were doing survey or financial evaluations etc etc during our summer internships, I campaigned for the Prime Ministerial candidate in the Lok Sabha elections; gave speeches amongst lots and lots of people; stood beside some high profile political leaders; gave interviews to some TV channels and got featured also; visited Haridwar, Saharanpur, Rishikesh, Roorkee, interiors of Delhi, Bhopal, Jaipur, Ajmer, Pushkar, Mumbai, Meerut; lived in posh South-ex for two months; cracked the same job as my batch topper has cracked and yupp, we were the first ones to be placed in our batch; completed my MBA, without slogging for a single day; broke my back while organising a 7-day long E-cell event and won loads of appreciations, when the college got 9th rank amongst 650 inthe country; watched some 200+ movies, made two and a half coffee paintings, lots of sketches and other water colour drawings; wrote blogs, poems and diaries; collected some 300 stupid jokes; re-gained my reading speed by completing two dozen books in two months; made three business plans; had a heart-break with some more not-so-mentionable experiences; and made some really really awesome friends.

Isn't that something for a year!.. and trust me that is not enough.. I am ready with my plans for the next year - a visit to Shirdi, Vaishno Devi, Vipaasana at Igatpuri and Kolkata is in row. I have a job to join and need to settle down in Gurgaon for sometime. Also, I still have 200 of my batchmates to be placed and I wanna share the responsibility. So, the year 2010.... here I come.

2009-12-19T23:56:00.002+05:30

A very close friend lost her father today. I don't know, but the news has yet not sunk into me. How all of a sudden, such a huge gap comes into life and how could God do this to anybody? When it comes on you.. you learn to live with it... that's life. It will keep throwing all its weapons on you.. and you have to keep fighting. You may not win at the end.. but that's the only way to save yourself a defeat.

Go to hell!

2009-12-12T00:22:00.003+05:30

Is there absolutely nothing that is permanent in nature? No happiness.. or sorrow?? Or the span of our reaction towards an emotion decreases as we get older. I don't know.

Sometimes life seems to be a never-ending drama of one episode after the other, running with a breath-taking speed. Sometimes, small breaks come up and I feel as if everything is settled now.. but then, a few more moments and I find something pushing me again to moov; and I realise that may be keep running is a better option. So, lets run! Rubbish.

What's the purpose of such a life, where you do not have pauses. Where, all the time, you have to keep on proving yourself to somebody.

Honestly, we should not be blaming others for all the mess in our lives. They create this mess, because we let them do so. Why do we give any importance to people; and why do we think that a human being is basically good; and why do we pin hopes that they'll get better, if we continue behaving well with them. I need to ask myself - has this all really happened?

Yes and may be that is why I still want to believe that okay this world is not such a bad place to be in. But, I definitely need to raise the walls, a little more. I have so many small and big dreams to live. I do not have any time for the people, who do not care to understand me. I am not going to allow them to be a spoilt sport in my life. For sure.

2009-12-01T20:06:00.003+05:30

The problem is not in me or you or him or her.. It is in this air we breathe, the land we walk on.. the dreams we see.. in our aspirations. We are frustrated.. less because of our inability to act.. more because of the ecosystem we exist in.

-------------------------------------------------------

We express our love to only those, who understand us and satisfy our respective needs. If it does not happen, we do not feel a passion or warmth for them, irrespective of how they are related to us; and this implies even in the case of our own moms, dads and siblings. All human beings are completely selfish. Then, why is it bad to be called selfish? I think selfishness has more meanings than just ignoring the right and comfort of others, while trying to fulfill your wish. And when we acclaim ourselves for the love that we spread, we are just reacting to the immense love that we are getting. It's just a give and take cycle that keeps on rotating and we simply forget, who started it.

2009-11-24T21:33:00.003+05:30

I lived a life of faith and trust,
of hopes and despair
of times and moments,
where my soul talked in
the language of the earth.
I believed in me and almighty,
in flowing tears, and innocent smiles.
I smiled and cried, when I was happy or sad
kept my book open, indifferent to,
whether it was good or bad.
I tore myself into thousand parts,
drowned into the oceans of life.
I lived many lives, in every breath I took,
I am may be incomplete.. but not insignificant.
I am much too blessed and much too loved and much too occupied to miss you.

2009-11-22T18:42:00.007+05:30

It is easy to say that I should leave you,
but it is hard to accept that I could leave you
and it is impossible to believe that you are no-more there.

Sometimes it is very difficult to retain something. The feeling of loosing it scares you to the soul. You try to hold it tight, but then frustration creeps in and you let it loose again. But it makes your condition, even worse; and you realise that nothing is going to help - holding it or loosing it ... you are just out of the game ....
(a friend wrote it..)

2009-11-20T22:54:00.003+05:30

They need a new copy-editor. Who writes lines like "It's such a problem getting children to drink THEIR milk". What do they mean by their milk.

2009-11-19T20:13:00.003+05:30

I feel so stuck at times.. I am surely not doing the thing, I wanted myself to do; and the worst part is, I do not have a Plan B. It sounds weird that words like recession, job-cuts, lay offs etc that have engaged media and corporate lounges for many months have a terrible impact on us also. Somewhere, we assume that we are common men and things that are given so much hype can not reach us. Common men are destined to see more of low profile, nothing special kind of experiences.

Sadly, this is not so. I have seen seniors going empty handed after the end of their session and I am seeing the attitude of companies this year, as well. May be clouds are clearing but the sunshine has yet reached the premier institutions only. Its kind of saddening, when you see people treating you like nobody, just because they have enough number of people to select from. I think there is a minimum level of decency in terms of behaviour that is expected for and from every human being, out there; irrespective of the fact that one's decision might change the life of the other. After all, we are humans and not coffee machines.

There are people, who joined MBA for better jobs or a platform.. but there are a few those also, who joined this course, precisely for learning. Because they wanted something more from management education than just the job-security. I count myself in the latter category. Not for a single day, I thought that I am going to take up a corporate job; in a huge multinational, sit in a designer cabin in a sparkling office, wear the latest brands; and above all, feel proud of reaching the place others look at with awe.

I wanted something different in life, when I took this decision. I wanted to expand my horizons, enhance my belief that I am more educated now to handle much bigger things in life, become more confident and add more value to my life. And I betray myself, when in interviews I say things like I have always been very passionate about marketing. No, I am not, neither I have ever been. I am passionate about something else.

I am passionate about changing the perception of people towards education. I am passionate about travelling. I want to see the world. Want to know the people there. I am passionate about working for children, helping them create a future for themselves. I want to discover what this crazy world is all about. I am passionate about writing for those, who have still not discovered their voice. I want to live a life, where the work I do, is the one, I want to do, where I do not have to explain myself that okay, that is how life goes.. there are responsibilities to be taken care of.. we have to pay prices.. blah blah.

I hate when I do not have something substantial to do. I hate when my energy does not get a worthy channel to flow. I hate it when I do not have anything to look forward to. Because, I have not seen myself doing things that others do... which take them no where. I do not dream of living in plush houses with all luxuries. I am ready to pay this price to live my dreams.

But then what is the problem? Why am I getting converted into another bunch of people wearing black business suits before any corporate visits their campus.? Just another face in crowd.

I am not sure to what extent I am responsible for this and to what extent is the environment. But, there is one thing I am sure.. this is not the education, what I wanted for myself. I may not be an exceptional student, but I am not an idiot also. I can feel that my self-belief and will power is going down. There is certainly something wrong with the system, and I can't see myself becoming just another victim of it.

Ghost ghost na raha...!!

2009-11-18T23:43:00.007+05:30

Got indulged into discussions about ghosts after many many years and realised that these horror stories have still not lost their charm and masala. During tea, this evening, we four friends started with god knows what incident that kept enough of ghostly gossip coming in. Arjun, Manasi and I are converting into perfect nationals as described by Amartya Sen in his book The Argumentative Indians. We argue about any thing under the sun and a lot of times, even we know that we are talking non-sense, yet we continue with the argument. People come, join us, leave us.. but we do not let our desire to win, get affected. Sometimes, the positions for for-and-against get interchanged, but the zeal to argue remains unchanged. I guess, that is what Amartya Sen has tried to elaborate in his book also.

Anyways, coming back to ghosts. Today surprisingly, no body argued over the existence of ghosts. We listened to each others' stories with such a respect as if ghosts are the ultimate realities of life. We started with Ramse (or whatever spelling they have) Brothers and concluded with personal stories, in between covering ZEE horror show, Aahat, Sshh.. Koi hai, 100 days, Darna Mana Hai, real life stories of post mortem houses, kabristans, cemetries etc. Arjun told me, how idiot he was, when he saw a hand hanging from his schools' Auditorium's roof with blood dropping from it and got dead scared. Later, his teachers discovered that some painting work was going on at the roof, using red colour.

Interestingly, Jambu, the only one in our group who can scare others without getting scared by anything, shared that he also got frightened by the sight of somebody. Guess who?? No ghosts, atma, parmatma or anything... but a human being! He saw a guy, all decked up, standing in the balcony at 3:30 AM! Although, he dint see his face, but the sight was enough to keep him disturbed for 4/5 days! And all this happened, when dear Jambu was becoming an engineer.

Well, Manasi did not have many stories, except that she is scared of darkness, which we all girls are and I guess will remain so for the next 100 years. That is feminine. Not getting scared of darkness, cockroaches, lizards, injections, blood etc means not being a woman.

We also talked about some dreams, like Arjun used to see a barking dog running after him or a room full with snakes and he sitting pale in a corner. I also used to see hundreds of dreams with murders, riots, killing.. Jambu and Manasi, here also, did not make any significant contribution. Dream Less people.

Anyways. The group had to be dismissed in 45 minutes, but it was kind of refreshing. I know, these Bhoot-Shoot does not exist and we are too mature to understand the cinematography behind all these movies and serials. But ghosts are a very significant part of any childhood. These are the first few things in our lives, where we get startled with our own imagination. When we force ourselves to choose between what we think, exists and what we know, exists. The first time, when we want to explore the reality and make a decision of what to believe and what not.

I know, every mom and dad would have told this to their child - bhoot, kuch nahi hota. Yeh sab mann ka waham hai. And believing on these lines, we kept that first step into the darkness without holding anybody's hand or survived the first night, when we had to sleep alone in the room, silently seeing our moms switching off the lights and saying goodnight.

It is good that life runs in a circle, when I'll be just forgetting all these ghostly stories, I'll get my own kids to remind me of them and when I'll again reach the verge of that forgetfulness, I'll get my grandkids to keep the madness going.

2009-11-17T11:08:00.002+05:30

The morning started with a silly sadness in my head. I saw a dream in the night and it did not go the way I wanted such dreams to go and this made me sad. Actually, the sequence of silly sadness had begun from night itself, when I allowed my heart to takeover my brain. I had been telling myself that I am not an emotional person and I do not need any emotional support from anybody. Then all of a sudden, I realised, Gosh! How pleasant life becomes when people care about you. This thought brought forth my emptiness and I am sad since then. Digging my own grave.

I am happy that other things in life are going on a fast pace. Hence, my environment does not allow me to sulk for a long time and by the time, I am back to stillness, I am stoned again.

Yesterday, I had a huge argument with Arjun, regarding the present day expectations from a woman and why ambitious women are bound to face a conflict in their personal and professional lives. I know, it is a hackneyed topic but no one can deny that it is still relevant. Esp, when you come from a conventional family and there is a high possibility of going back to a conventional family, in between of which, you have dreams of your own, which are undigestable to a large proportion of the society you live in.

I must say that Arjun is a bad argumentator. He may be a good speaker with a sound knowledge of a few things. But he really does not know how to argue with genuine and intelligent points. Giving examples of your own household, which no one else but you have seen is something I wont appreciate much. And the biggest problem - he can't take defeat - like most of the men (and women) in the world.

Anyways.

How wonderful life would have become, na, if we knew what exactly we want and we had this ability to willfully chuck off everything that was making us sad. But this does not happen and we have to live with whatever we have and try to live happily also, because that is good for us.

Btw, I am continously chatting and talking and doing all sorts of things, not letting me complete this blog. So, I stop it here only.

The ecstasy of being a 7-pointer!

2009-10-25T14:37:00.006+05:30

If someone asks me what is one thing that you have learnt the best during your MBA course, then my answer will be Time Management. I think it is better to project MBA as a crash course to prepare you for your next 40 years of your professional life, more than calling it another academic achievement. I guess the mere change is definition will help the students in becoming better managers than some 36 different courses.

People succumb to different kinds of pressures. But the funniest of them all is the pressure of studies. I am seeing how much this MBA pressure can make you to sacrifice - people breaking their relationships; not finding time to talk with their friends and family members; fighting with their group members for deadlines getting over; spending their beautiful days in the restricted closets of book racks in library; feeling jealous of their classmates getting better grades; cribbing about college management, infrastructure and facilities; drinking till they cannot take anymore; and yearning for the placement days to come.

I call this pressure, the funniest, because I never understood what is so big there that makes us die for that? We can learn and understand each and everything completely and as much as any other student in the class does, without getting into the fight for Rank 1. You get a question and you need to write the best possible answer you know for it, but why do we want to write an answer that can make our evaluator feel that no one can write better than us? I know a friend, and I appreciate him very much for being a wonderful human being, one day he told me that in any examination he aims to secure 100% marks, because that marks the excellence he expects from himself. I was impressed, however, I never understood what difference in his understanding of the subject would come, if he scores 99 out of 100. After all, it is the teacher's understanding of the answer sheet that fetches him marks. So does he want to learn for his own satisfaction, or the satisfaction of the evaluator?

Well, this problem is there in every level of our education system. But then I get surprised when I find MBA students living with this mentality. Hey Dude... we are supposed to be the people, who take major decisions in any organisation, people with similar educational backgrounds like ours are changing economies of the world, so giving others a reason to expect something similar from us is definitely a big deal.. and so we need a change in mentality.

I think that the best way to keep yourself eternally happy is to convince yourself to remain a 7-pointer all your life. Why 7-pointer? Well, these many points will offer you the most of the opportunities that 9 pointers get and will save you from being the academic becharas of the group, which 5 or 6 pointers become. And trust me, personal experience, it is not at all difficult to get somewhere in between 7.1 to 7.9. Three weeks in three months is all that it takes. Now imagine, how much more you can do with the remaining 9 weeks. And there is one more advantage of being a 7-pointer - you are never out of energy, so for any random opportunity coming your way, you are more energetic and ready to prepare than the 8/9 pointers, who generally put their mind, body and soul in everything they do and get exhausted pretty soon.

Also, you can watch more films, read more fictions, visit more places, invest more time into your personal life, make more friends, be known more by your faculty, regret less for poor grades since you have studied less and are always very optimistic and positive about your future, because you know that your best has still to come.

And now coming back to the first paragraph.. 7-pointers are better managers also, because in order to keep their fun element alive, they balance the multiple dimensions of their lives very well.. what else does an MBA supposed to teach you?

dimaag ka bharta

2009-10-16T23:28:00.003+05:30

I am sure that it happens with all of us. As the twilight approaches its end and we see the birds flying back to their nests; loads of vehicles clogging the roads, while each one of them trying to reach its destination, asap, which supposedly is the home; a cooker will be whistling in some kitchens indicating that dinner time is approaching and the kids in the house will start picking up their thrown away toys and books, since daddy will be coming in sometime; and entire day will be winding up and all that remains is a look-alike of a vacuum that you know can be filled by only certain people of your life. And then all of a sudden, you find that despite having everybody out there, the vacuum is still a vacuum. This happens with me a lot of times, as the day ends, I feel very depressive. People suggest me that I should do things I enjoy doing, but that is exactly what is depression, you stop doing things, you enjoy doing.

Anyway. This is not about my depression. Its more about why do we feel lonely, while living right in the middle of the world, with loving family members, understanding friends, dreams for future, hopes for present and pleasant memories of past. Yet! We feel lonely; we check all the numbers in our phonebook, yet do not call anyone; we read all our sms, yet do not smile; we browse Internet and feel even more depressive. However, as the sun rises, things get better and you start the next day with a far better attitude.

Why does it happen so frequently with me, during nights? What is there like this in nights?

.. quotes, mood and life...

2009-10-01T21:33:00.006+05:30

How many times it happens in life that everything looks complete and your faith shakes whether you'll ever succeed in coming out of it or not? I do not know the answer, but I am sure there will be many, who have faced this unfortunate phase at least a few times in their life. Sometimes, thinking about bad times brings some comfort. Comfort that your past has given you the authority to crib, which you are told not to do. But this process is like taking drugs. Initially you like its tranquilizing effect that takes you to a different world and then it becomes your necessity. You need it to survive. Slavery!

Once I had read a statement, "I have learnt that dreams do come true". This sentence had a dramatic and very contradictory effect on me. On one hand, I felt desolated that some of my most dear and cherished dreams would never come true, on the other, I felt a strange hope that might be there is still a way to reach to them. But one thing is there for sure, you run after something and you find it going farther from yourself. And when you stop following it, you suddenly, one day, find it right at your doorsteps. Life is cruel and insane and capricious and you believe it or not.. it is bad with good people.

I agree that there will be people, who have seen such bad times, which I cant even imagine, but that does not justify my reasons of being sad. Why don't people talk about those living a happier life and ask you to be less happy, since, the others are in a better state. The entire mankind has this strange tendency of find solace in others misery. You feel angry over everybody. You want to break someone's head, but don't know whose. You want to hold some people, fight with them, shout over them and ask them, "why don't you understand that your being here can make all the difference, then why are you not here?" You do not get answers and you know that you'll never get them. We all know that we should not cry for people, because those who care do not let us cry and those who let us cry, do not care. I feel crying is not an act of cowards. What else should you do in these states of complete helplessness. I have personally experienced that at times, when you have cried your heart completely, you get a new insight towards the problem and your heart beat gets normal.

I know I am talking like a depression patient, but that is fine. I do not have to portray myself as this smart, rational, practical, intelligent female, who can handle everything under the sun. If this typical, emotionally weak, protection seeking female character can bring me some love, care and understanding from family and friends, I am okay with that.

And yes, for sometime, I donot want to talk to God also. He has not acted very different from the rest, either.

My wardrobe needs a change... Honey!

2009-09-25T22:05:00.007+05:30

Recently read a post on a blog about how dearly women love shoes and how important it is to have loads of them per head. On this post, three out of eight comments were from the wives, who wanted their husbands to know about this fact. Interesting, why should the husbands know that shoes are so essential for their happy wife. Because they are the ones supposed to spend money? But what about the ladies, who are earning well? I guess, even they want their husbands to be somebody, who considers spending on them as a duty.

Howsoever high the lady earns, but there is nothing as gratifying as getting an expensive gift from your husband (or the boy-friend). Diamonds may not be forever, but you give diamond to a lady, before she asks for it, and she'll be yours, forever. Yes... We Love Gifts.. and We Love Expensive Gifts... and We Love It The Most When We Get Them Without Asking!! Trust me, it is an eternal truth, materialism may not get you true love.. but it can certainly enlarge the space you occupy in a woman's heart.

I don't find any odd system out there. For ages, men are supposed to earn and women are supposed to spend, as creatively as possible. How many men would get comfort in the thought of going for shopping during lunch breaks? Or for that matter, how many of them will check out fashion street, religiously to see the new stuff coming over there, or would not feel tired and boring, while doing window shopping, the whole day, or while trying half-a-dozen wonderful dresses, yet not purchasing any of them, because it doesn't click?

We need to accept that women are the ones, who truly appreciate and worship this salvating phenomenon of shopping; and while they shop, somebody has to earn to keep the cycle running.

Also, I have observed that men look at you with suspicion, when you tell them that you are not a shopping freak, they find it abnormal, and in some cases unfeminine also. Somewhere, over so many centuries, they have accepted that wives (or girl-friends) will always demand one or the other thing from them in order to feel better. This may include every thing from clothes, shoes, cosmetics, beauty parlour to kitchen accessories. If they don't do so, then may be somewhere they have yet not accepted you as their man? Which I think is true ,also. How can I fall in love with a man, who denies to buy me a dress because I already have plenty of them. Perhaps, he doesn't realise my worth!

At last, we can end by saying what revolutionary article says, 'times are changing, and so are people's perception'. But I wish that this particular perception remains intact. May God bless men with higher salary and loads of perk, and their wives, the greater ability to look for better stuff, on fixed price. But if in poorest of circumstances, you happen to get somebody, who does not understand this holy logic behind your desire to shop, don't feel bad.. spend on yourself, and on him also. May be someday he'll realise, how useless he has been, till now.

Dimaag Ka Bharta!!

2009-09-13T22:17:00.003+05:30

Its been a long time, since I wrote something satisfactorily long and elaborate. Everytime, I started typing, either too many thoughts just rushed into the brain or everything simply drained out, proof are 33 draft posts in last 18 days. Finally, I have to join all broken pieces so that these corny ideas stop haunting me with their incompleteness and I get something more consummate to think about.

A few things long forgotten

Long time back, when I was hyper excited about the idea of blogging and had made over half-a-dozen blogs, one of them was dedicated to kids only. The purpose was to find out interesting children posters and captioning them. There were nearly a dozen post on that blog called http://bachchaparty4u.blogspot.com/ before it became obsolete. Today, somebody found that blog and posted comments, reminding me of thousand things that I thought I had the potential of handling, all at the same time.

Also, it reminded me of another thing - my old diary. I have kept it right in front of me, so that whenever I want, I could open and read it. But interestingly, I did not get time to open it. Not even between three back-to-back movies or hours of bakar session with my roommate or while surfing loads of sites every hour. I realise I have become less creative with more education. When I was in class XII, I used to write poems in minutes about anything under the sun; and now, when I am doing MBA, I could not even pen down four good lines.

Trimester 5 begins

This means, 2/3 of my MBA course is over. Trust me, time has ran away since the moment I stepped into this college. Times have been good, bad, boring, exciting, dull, enthusiastic, depressive and full of dreams. I did not like a lot of things here, but I loved being in a college and living a life, where nobody cares. Seeing the same faces every day, every hour.. knowing them the way you know your family members, sitting and chatting without bothering about ghar jaane ka time.. dreams that people narrate.. arguments that people do.. jokes that people crack.. and worries that people share.. people falling in same brackett have more or less similar problems and worries in life.. what differentiates them is their aspiration.

Earlier I used to think that people who do not have good academic backgrounds or high aspirations are lowly than the ones, who aspire to rule the world. But gradually I realised, we all are buying our dreams after paying a price. Some people buy aspirations, paying their social and personal life and their relationships, while some live their time with their family and friends, somewhere sacrificing their aspirations. I don't know which lot has more happy people. I guess those falling in the middle of both the bracketts - or practising balance, in other words.

I too want to live a balanced life, but if I'll be asked to bend on any one side, I'll prefer to side down towards my family. Sacrificing everything for your aspirations sometimes seem to me like standing on the peak of Mt. Everest, alone and without a camera. You know you are there, but you can't celebrate it with others.

More remains for the next post...

If only we can forgive...

2009-09-13T11:11:00.002+05:30

Laugh your heart out
Dance in the Rain,
Cherish the moment,
Ignore the Pain
Live, Laugh, Love,
Forgive & Forget.
Life's too short to be
Living with Regrets

Celebrating human helplessness!

2009-09-07T20:17:00.002+05:30

Watched "Kagaz Ke Phool" today, after persistent recommendations from a friend. In short, the movie may be considered a classic, but I did not like it. However, this does not anywhere lessens the contention of the movie to be a great one, otherwise, why would I write a blog about it.

I don't understand, what pleasure Guru Dutt derived in portraying himself as a character , who was always misunderstood and rejected by the people. Since childhood I have this expression that his movies depict depression and helplessness of human nature. But now, when I have seen a couple of them, I realise that this helplessness is not of human nature, it is of a certain character, the protaganist, around whom all the things revolve. He has tried to create a paradox with his movies. The paradox of bringing in centre a life of a person, who has been brutally sidelined by the society.

One may argue that such characters exist in our society, who resign to their fate. My answer to them is yes, they do exist; but I am sure they are not the ones, who form majorities. Resigning to ones fate to the extent that you start living the life of a worm is definitely not that happens with a normal person. And even Dutt's own movies show that people with self-respect find out a way to die respectfully. Take the example of female lead, Shanti, played by Vahida Rehman. Did she lose anything less? She never had a family, her love was snatched away from her after giving her names, she did not have the job or the direction to live a life, yet she finds some purpose to live it. She goes to a tribal area and starts teaching students. This is what people commonly do! They remain sad.. but do not let their sadness convert into a feeling of self-pity. After all, there is a very minute difference between the feeling of self-esteem and ego.

The character of Guru Dutt may excel in terms of acting, but it has failed terribly in making me believe that some people live a life like this and they deserve to be portrayed as the protagonist. Why do we need to celebrate this helplessness?

I feel that Devdas also was a loser. Other characters like Chandramukhi and Paro, were far more substantial, real and human-like. But I don't understand why for so many decades, we are appreciating Devdas as a legendary masterpiece. Do we feel solace, when we identify that we are not the only ones, who have been knocked out by the world and yet breathing in and out, cursing the same world for its injustice. Just like madness, helplessness is also a way to reach ecstacy. Once you let the world accept that you are mad, you free yourself for doing everything, which has been critically examined by the world and whose examination has affected you badly. Similarly, once you establish that the world has done enough bad for you to struggle for anything good.. you free yourself from being accountable. For now, you are not responsible for anything that happens with you, it is this rude bad world that is doing so; and since you have already detached yourself from it, you do not want to answer or question anybody. A state of complete resignation - not to the fate, nor to the God - to this wickedest form of self-destruction.

And strangely, our old novelists loved portraying such characters, showing them mingling with an enigma, left to the audience to be solved.

Bhad main jao..

2009-08-27T20:56:00.004+05:30

Rules are made to keep things in order, but when these rules are used to suppress the genuineness of a population, they are ought to be broken. I consider myself to be someone, who generally believes in the potential of a government or any other governing body and accept that they can not be perfect. I also try to keep myself away from criticizing these bodies until it is becoming too unbearable for me. But today, what happened in mess was too much for me to declare, "jao kar do jaake shikayat".

Today a classmate, who got her leg fractured after an accident last month, came back to the campus after a month long stay at her home. Her mother accompanied her, as she still cannot walk without support. They came in evening only and since I was going for dinner, she just asked me if her mother can come for dinner with me. I realised that her mother was too tired and so I offered to bring food for her in the room only.

So, while I was packing food for her, the mess manager very rudely stopped me ,saying that he has already told me many times not to take food to the room, why am I doing it again. Now, it was the first time that he was telling me that, secondly, I did not like his tone at all. He could tell me that so and so rule has come recently, and I may get penalised for not following it, but he definitely does not have the authority to "scold" me.

I told him the reason and he said that I would have to get a slipped signed by the college doctor that the person is not well and hence I am taking food for his or her. WHAT THE HELL!!

Am I supposed to waste my time and energy in getting slips signed if my classmates or friends fall ill. That too from a place, which people try hard not to approach even if they are remotely ill.

Anyway. I packed the food, had my own dinner and came back. But all this time I was thinking about the implications of having any such regulation. Why would anybody stop something that is going on for past many years and doesn't management realise the consequences, when a large number of people are stopped from doing something that they have been doing for so long that too without even telling them, why? Such things will only stop help for people who are actually sick and cannot come to the mess for food.

Aren't these kinds of rules and regulations made to breed a conflict? These kinds of conflicts arise when the governing bodies take their population, for granted. In this world, every things has a reason, this is the law of nature and sitting on a position of authority does not make you an exception of that.

Thoughts at 3:10

2009-08-21T03:40:00.004+05:30

It is so depressive to get up at the middle of the night, when the whole world is sleeping peacefully. Like tonight, I slept at 9:30 pm and have got up now, thinking that I'll study for sometime. But, it seems a deadly silence has covered the universe and I can not bear it for a long time at all. It is still better when you get up anytime closer to 4 am, at least, birds have got awakened by that time and you can hear their chirp, thus feeling alive. But before that... it looks kinda scary!

What people might be doing at this time in the parts of the world witnessing night? I think by now, most of the people would have gone for sleep. Those who are still awake will include some theives, insomniacs, people who are in love or in some kind of tensions eg students or may be the writers, who wait for night to fall to let their thoughts come out of the box. I guess, twilights or the beginning of the night is much beautiful than its adios. I think it is the reason why people encourage you to remain awake for a larger part of the duration when the sun is shining and go to bed only after it finally sets. It keeps you optimistic and you feel more connected to the world.

Anyways. Lots of thoughts for a night. I guess I'll go and sleep again and get back after three hours and study then.

Good Night World.

2009-07-12T22:38:00.003+05:30

My Master used to say, "Look upon your children as a nurse does." The nurse will take your baby, play with it, and behave towards it as gently as if it were her own child. But as soon as you give her notice to quit, she is ready to start off bag and baggage from the house. All attachment is forgotten; it will not give the ordinary nurse the least pang to leave your children and take up other children.

Even so are you to be with all that you consider your own. You are the nurse, and if you believe in God, believe that all these things which you consider yours are really His.

- Swami Vivekanand

2009-07-07T18:27:00.002+05:30

We put thirty spokes together and call it a wheel,
But it is on the space where there is nothing that the
usefulness of the wheel depends.
We turn clay to make a vessel,
But it is on the space where there is nothing that the
usefulness of the vessel depends.
We pierce doors and windows to make a house,
And it is on these spaces where there is nothing that the
usefulness of the house depends.
Therefore, just as we take advantage of what is, we should
recognize the usefulness of what is not.

- Lao-tse

Mother of 1084

2009-07-03T16:57:00.003+05:30

So the third book that I have completed is 'Mother of 1084' by Mahashweta Devi. Being an absolute contrast to the two books that I read earlier, this one narrates the plight of a suppressed woman, who one day wakes up to a phone call, telling her that her youngest son is lying shot dead in a police station. He was involved in a naxallite movement. The story also covers the pain, a woman suffers when she is misunderstood repeatedly, first by her mother-in-law, then by her husband and then by her own children. Brati, the youngest son, was the only one, who had the ability and desire to see the inner beauty of his mother and had always wanted to protect her. But he was snatched away by death and the saddest part was that his mother, Sujata did not even know, if Brati died for right reasons. What was the cause that his son was fighting for and were those causes, worth fighting for.

The novel gives a beautiful description of what ugly reactions rebellions get, even from their very very own people, forget about the society. After the news of Brati's death came, everyone in the family, except his mother and the aaya, started looking for measures to hide this incident from the world. The grief of Brati's death got shelved before the more important purpose of saving the family's prestige. Sujata found herself all alone weeping for Brati, who was lying before her as cadaver number 1084, cold, heavy and dead.

Also, it made me feel sorry about myself. Naxallite movement that virtually wiped off a major chunk of an entire generation is still unknown to me. I think there are certain things in our modern history that every Indian should know. Freedom fight and emergence of Indian politics from it, partition, Naxallite movement and emergency. Each of these incidents have left deep scars and has changed the way people think. Sadly, these terms are old fashioned and when you want to discuss about them, you are termed political. Being political is a slang and people prefer to talk about future. But how can such striking trails be ignored? The world may not get any different for us, if we now about them or not. But it certainly has not remained the same for the people, who have lived those times.

The other impression that this novel made on to me is the condition of a mother. A woman can live a suppressed life as a daughter or wife, but never as mother. Her motherhood brings to her the last hope that she'll be loved and understood and cared. And when she does not get these things from her own children, she knows that nothing but death can set her free. Old age is the age, when a mother needs her child the most. Sadly, the less she gets loved by her husband, the more she becomes possessive about her children, specially son. I pity those sons, who never become good husbands and let the chain continue, generation after generation.

How much Sujata wanted to feel Brati! And how sad she felt when she discovered that she was so unaware of the real life that her son was living. She knew that Brati is going on a different way, but she never tried hard to findout, which way. This made her pain go even worse. She knew that she cannot change the system, her son has died for. She knew that she cannot explain people that he did not die a shameful death. She knew that she cannot bring him back. But she knew that her son loved her, truly, knew what she had gone through and wanted to protect her, without even letting her know that. The mere thought of being the mother of such a brave and sensitive boy, gave her the strength to break the silence, she has always maintained on the name of respect for her husband and hypocritical world he had created around her, including her other three children. Knowing that Brati knew what she had never expressed, Sujata wanted to break the image of timidity, at least, before herself. So, she refused to be somebody else, anymore. She refused to keep hold on her spontaniety. Finally, she realises that all those are living in that house with her are much more lifeless than Brati. She felt the urge to get her son back; and she left her body to find him in the heaven.

two books and thousand thoughts

2009-07-02T00:17:00.011+05:30

These days I am trying to revive my interest for reading. A couple of years back, I had the patience of completing a moderately thick novel/book in one sitting. However, now it seems that eras have passed since then. I don't even bother to read the newspaper, these days. So, to sudharofai myself, I went to Library on Monday and got five books issued and the good thing is that I have started the third one, today.

There is a sher..
"jab bheed main ho tanhapan, khamosh kitabein behlati hain mera mann.."

.. and this tanhapan usually does not leave me, even if I am sitting in the class. So, to get rid of it, today I decided to take a book there with me. The book was an assimilation of stories and poems written by Kahlil Gibran. Okay, the first story was an ode to his lady love Selma... how he met him, fell in love with him, she got married to a bad man and then finally died, while Gibran became a devastated and destitute lover, who for the rest of his life, created verbose pieces of writing with excessive use of decorative adjectives.

Also, the story above may sound like just any other romantic novel... but it was a real "hi-level" romance. So high that despite being a die-hard romantic, I lost touch with the character. The two explained their love as the feeling that exists between a brother and a sister and a man and his wife and a mother and his son. Such highest order of purity mixed with divinity inducing adjectives, dragged me to a different world, where, I was amused by the amount of time the two characters of the story used to spend before expressing their emotions for each other. Now I understand, why the writer stressed so much on the conversation made by eyes. After all, creating such complicated dialogues is something that one cannot keep on doing 30 times a day, so they preferred looking into each other's eyes.

Had it been a one-sided divine romanticism going around me in the class, I would have still managed. But a lecture was also going on and hence, I had to use my other senses to keep a track of what he is talking about and where is he looking.

I was relishing a perfect paradox. One side: an intense feeling of love that compares itself with a devotee going mad for his Goddess and the other side: a professor, stressing again and again to improve the quality of the product and forget about the promotions. Materialism Vs. Complete Nonmaterialism. Philosophy Vs. Realism. wooff... it was exhaustive, but entertaining, more because, none of those worlds included me. They both were are at the two extreme ends and I believe in mixing them in proportions.

Anyways. The other novel, Paths of Glory by Jeffery Archer attracted me more for the love he showed than the adventure. The book talks about George Mallory, who supposedly climbed Mt. Everest in the year 1924, but died while descending back. There are no concrete proof of whether he reached to the top or not, but going into the details makes you feel that perhaps he did. The story was interesting. But again, verbose. I don't know, why people try to fill colours into our imaginations by over use of adjectives.

Initially, the book did not interest me. The description of Mallory's childhood was boring for me. Besides, the story was about two women, he loves in his life and till half the book, not even one woman entered. Later, when the woman entered, she was the only actual woman. The other was the mountain called Chomolungma, goddess of earth. So, that is how the writer created the mystery. For sometime, I felt cheated and hence decided not to read further, then becuase of my habit of reading the last page before leaving the book, I read the letter Mallory wrote to his wife, a day before his final ascent for the top, from a height of 27,400 feet above the sea level.

The letter was so emotional. How wonderful will be that person, who being on the verge of achieving a feat that no other human has ever achieved, amidst such adverse and extreme climatic conditions, can write such an emotional letter to his wife, acknowledging her presence, contributions and sacrifices in his life. Being a girl, I have high admiration for people, who have this ability to make others realise their importance and place in life. And honestly, very few people have this ability. Rest live with their loved ones, just superficially, with a strange ego of never thanking them for the value addition happening to their lives because of them. Unfortunate people!

The letter changed my perception for that character. I reopened the pages, where I had stopped and completed the novel properly. I know, I get senti for few things. But I think these emotions deserve this sentiness. After all, only these emotions differentiate few greatest ever men from the other great men. You must have noticed that most of the times, while trying to achieve one's passion, these so called great men sacrificed their family lives so easily. May be the society hails them, but someone go and ask the poor family members, what price they have paid for someone else's dreams and aspirations, of which they were never a part.

from good to better to best...

2009-06-15T22:38:00.005+05:30

I am a big fan of motivational, inspirational and to some extent philosophical movies. So, much that I have seen heavy movies like Shawshank Redemption, Freedom Writers, Girl Interrupted etc several times; and every time I see them, the human emotions captured in those characters fascinate me to the core.

Its amazing, how well we relate with the people who share our misery. I guess the same happens with the characters in a movie. There are certain characters which are born achievers or the dark horses, they remain hidden for a long long time and all of a sudden they come out. And some times, there are characters who actually do not have any attribute of being a protagonist, but they accept their lives positively and this acceptance one day makes them emerge as a winner. I guess most of the people around us, including ourselves, belong to the latter sect.

How easily people who try to accept things are condemned! Sometimes on the name that they give up easily; sometimes that they do not have 'that element' to fight; sometimes that they really do not deserve the best.... and sometimes that they deserve this only. But do people think that they are not reacting because they have understood that this is not the front, where they are supposed to fight. Their struggle has to reach another level and they'll succeed in reaching that level only if they'll silently live this time. I purposely used the phrase 'live this time', because I know that we all want the best things to happen with us, but only few people know that we can not always get the best... because somewhere in the sky, the great god, wants us to see the other side of the rainbow. And if we wont see that other side now... our destiny will create another rainbow for us.

And you know what... I have seen those other sides many times... and every time that phase was going on, I never told myself that I am the best and still life is giving me these hardships... may be because I knew that this grinding is happening only because I am not the best, but I have to be the best one day.. Best not because I could score the best marks...or could crack the best job... or rise to levels of fame with every passing day... best, because I can understand how to put your feet in others' shoes and feel what it means to live a life when you are not a Cinderella.

Something to look forward to..

2009-06-14T01:45:00.002+05:30

Last two months have been very hectic, though very interesting as well. Surprisingly, despite having loads of topics to write about, I did not feel like writing about any of them. I was also invited for a guest post.. but alas! nothing came out of this mental block. Anyways.

So, now I am in the second year of my MBA course. One year has passed!! Sounds amazing, since, not much has changed into the way I used to think, even after studying the management lessons for 12 months. Can't say if this is good or bad. Yeah, but MBA has certainly raised my aspirations. I think I have all the reasons to expect stars from myself. After all, why should not I?

And like I do this before every trimester, once again, I tell myself to be serious about the academics and actually "study" well. Besides, there are two large scale events in my mind that I intend to organise in the next four months and then the biggest task - Placement! A lot of things are lying ahead for me and all of them look so important. Its true that when you have substantial goals to look forward to, you feel very energetic and hence young and happy. May be this is the reason that while octogenarian at our houses start behaving insanely in their ages, the professionals of the same age still talk sense. A list of goals definitely stop you from taking yourself forgranted.

Its 2'o clock in the night and I had a real hectic day today, both mentally and physically. I should better sleep now.. after all, another day is waiting for me with more challenges and more satisfaction.. and I should not keep people waiting. Goodnight everybody :)

About smiling Mumbai and why I have had enough of Gandhi

2009-05-03T13:25:00.002+05:30

As the news flashed on the television set that Mumbai city is witnessing an average voting of around 19%, my colleague became hyperactive with disappointment. For some reasons, he was expecting that this time people will come out in large numbers and vote against those, who have failed in combating the issues of terrorism. Sadly but expectedly, this did not happen. The heat of sun was much hotter than the heat of anger.

He made a statement like “they need more 26/11”. And my question was, will it change anything? If Mumbai sees another terrorist attack today and then again tomorrow and then again on day after tomorrow.. would it compel them to come out and vote.

Yeah! May be, if it happens a week before the elections. But, after that no one can guarantee. People have short memories and Indians have shorter; and the people living in metropolitan cities, who work day and night to maintain their lives, dreams and social status have the shortest. Mumbaikars were not able to retain that fateful evening for five months. After all, we love this ‘never-say-die’ spirit of Mumbaikars, their ever smiling faces that forces them to forget about all misfortunes and come to work again within hours.

Their wish! But you know what sometimes I get so pissed off with the people who every now and then crib about Indian politics and politicians, display their half-cooked knowledge about it and then do not go out and vote when time comes. They should be thrown out of the country. Besides, this time the elections were taking place after five years. It’s not that after every one year, the election is happening so you have lost interest. Don’t people feel like taking part in this dance of democracy or is it that their indulgence is restricted to just reading the editorials, listening to television debates, making opinions and wishing that their kids could get admission in some foreign universities, because India has no more remained the place to live.
______________________

It’s not that I have stopped believing in Gandhi ji or his principles. It’s just that I am tired of talking about him or visiting the monuments and places that showcase how insanely simple life this person has lived. I have a lot of respect for his ideals, assuming that whatever I have read about him is true, since a major part of Indian history is a masterpiece of manipulated documentation.

Besides, I have observed that a certain section of our generation, which considers itself superior to the remaining ones because they talk about Gandhi ji and Nehru ji and war of independence and students’ movements in several countries and consider themselves the torch bearers of all the changes that will be brought about in the country, often use the ideology of Gandhi ji as their crutches. Every weird thing that they do, they vividly use some mahaan Gandhian quotes to justify it and claim that Gandhi ji also did so. It makes me feel sick for them.

Anyway.

I once visited Sabarmati Ashram and had a never-before experience. It was so peaceful, as if the time stood still, for a moment, while I was looking at things kept in his room, I felt that suddenly the door will be opened and I’ll see him entering. I spent real good time at that place without any company. I slowly and slowly drank the serenity and tranquillity of that place through eyes for hours and hours. I was moved in truest sense and I can still feel that peace within me. But that was also like a saturation point for me. After that, I never felt like visiting any other place, where Mahatma Gandhi lived any part of his life. The silence of those places do not give me peace, they give me a feeling of emptiness. Things look silent, because sometimes they absorb the chaos and sometimes, they do not have anything that could create chaos.

I feel my time at Sabarmati Ashram was the one, when I felt closest to Mahatma Gandhi and I lived it truly. Now for me, believing in Gandhi ji means following what all he said, to the extent that convinces me. It’s all about the practical that I want to observe and I do not want people to indicate me that they think differently. They can..

_______________________

Best friend

2009-04-28T15:28:00.004+05:30

Anu got married today.. my best friend. And I am so selfish that instead of feeling happy about her marriage, I am sad that she has gone away from me. And sad to such an extent that while going to the office, I was weeping in the bus. Moreover, I was just never used to of sharing her with anybody and now she'll be thinking most about her husband. He'll be her closest friend. She'll be sharing all her secrets with him, will be depending on his advices and will be granting him the most of her time. He'll take my place. It feels terrible, trust me.

I don't remember, since when I know her.. yes I do remember our first conversation and what I had felt about her.. but it seems at least an era has passed since then. She was such a wierd person and she still is. I used to run away from her for her senseless highly religious talks. Gradually, she got better and I got used to of that nonsense and we became freinds. I know she was always bewildered by listening to my idea of a dream life, she never understood what the heck I want to do with myself and why, but do I know anyone else, who respected those dreams more than her? She cherished them and took special care that they never get hurt because of her. And this is what that stole my heart.

Undoubtedly, she is my first and the longest ever friend. I am not a very social person and usually get out of touch with people easily. She is the same, yet we managed an over a decade long friendship! I am surprised. People say that the bond created when two people share each other's sorrow is the strongest. I think it is true. Anu and I understood each other's pain very well, may be because our pain was similar. Our lives started on a similar path and our choices brought us at two extremes. She now stands on the path that takes her into the protection of her family, she makes her choices based on their decisions and I stand on the bare front of being solely responsible for myself. She loved my guts thinking that she can't do that and I loved her contentment, thinking that I may never have it. We just complement each other. And whenever our respective selves tried to get influenced by the contrary emotions, creating turbulence in our mind and soul, we just surrendered before each other, finding solace in each other's company.

Interestingly, my mom is a better friend to Anu than me. Whenever she stayed with me for more than half an hour, the focus of conversation shifted to both of them and I was often spotted taking naps. They two will talk about the neighbourhood, relatives, maids, vendors, cost of fruits, how bad I am in keeping my room clean, global warming, the detriorating Indian culture and anything under the sun. She is a dentist, so Mom vividly used to share her worries with Anu regarding the remaining teeth left in her mouth. I am worried that mumma is going to miss her more.

Manjari has also got married last year; and she is an equally good friend; but at that time I did not feel so insecure and incomplete. May be, becasue I knew her husband very well and there was no doubt that our friendship is going to remain intact. But in case of Anu, I yet have to wait for the first conversation with her dear husband. Lets see how it goes. And although, he has suddenly become most important in her life, still I am the one, who is her best friend.

Pain

2009-04-20T17:21:00.000+05:30

Pain has an element of blank;
It cannot recollect
When it began, or if there were
A day when it was not.

It has no future but itself,
Its infinite realms contain
Its past, enlightened to perceive
New periods of pain.

- Emily Dickinson

Making most of the vellaness!

2009-04-15T13:39:00.003+05:30

Isn't it sad that as we grow older and our commitments towards life increase, we take out less and less time for ourselves? And seldom when some 'free time' comes to us, we become clueless about what do with it. In most of such times, we finally resort to doing the same thing, we anyway do, because no other thing comes to our mind except of these mundane tasks; and this is really sad. Like many times I have seen that if my mother has nothing to do.. she'll be tiding up some room or making preparations for the dinner or if she is extremely velli for the while, she will watch TV. She has nothing to do... and when I bug her too much to do something else.. she asks me only, "kya karun.. yahi sab kaam toh hai". And she is not the only one, who suffers with this narrow-choice-of-tasks-to-perform.

I am no better than her. Recently, I realised that in the entire day I have no time for myself. Mornings and afternoons are passed in classrooms, evenings with friends and nights, in front of the computer. No time for hobbies! No drawings, paintings, sketching, reading, writing poems.. nothing! I was not doing anything that I have always liked doing.

Then I decided to change my routine a bit. No more chattings in night. No more waiting for anyone to come online. The time after 10'o clock is all mine and I am not going to entertain anyone except mom after 10. And guess what! I had loads of time.. and no idea of what to do with that. For few days, it was really difficult. Someone who is used to of sleeping at 2 or 3'o clock in the night, how can sleep come to her at 10 pm! But in less than ten days, I started sorting out things. First, I kept my cell on silent mode, so that no one disturbs me. Then I found out my sketching kit. Got a book issued from library. Bought a packet of Monaco buiscuit, cleaned up my bed, sharpened my pencil and started sketching after many many days. It feels so good that you are doing something for yourself. Really. With my fav music playing on laptop and doing the work I love, adds so much to lonely nights. Then, in some times, when I think I have done enough for the day, I go to sleep and get up after a good rest of 7 hours!

My sleeping time has reduced very much in past one year; and the consequences are visible. Really yaar.. 7 hours of nice sleep fills you with tons of energy for the next day; otherwise how can a lazy person like me can go to office, everyday while travelling for 6 hours! And believe me, when next time I get up, I feel so ready for the day. No more feelings like.. I wish today was a holiday... no more missing the breakfast... no more hustle bustle. I am a good girl, now! :)

I know, those who'll read this.. will appreciate the change.. but guys, I want you all to try something similar like this. Take out time for yourself and let nothing intrude into that slot. Take a break from computer, even if it looks impossible, use it for your hobbies. Sleep early and for a long time and then get up early.. mornings are much more beautiful than that described by poets.

;)

2009-04-13T21:49:00.002+05:30

Bahu to Saas: Maa ji! Itni raat ho gai hai, yeh abhi tak ghar nahi aaye. Kahin koi doosri aurat...

Saas (immediately): Chup kar, nalayak.. tu toh bas ulta hi sochti hai.. aise bhi toh ho sakta hai wo kisi truck ke neeche aa gaya ho!

Yeh election hai ya drama

2009-04-12T23:05:00.002+05:30

If you start putting your brain into the kind of statements our dear leaders make, you will not be left with any doubt that they do not consider their beloved janta anything more than a bunch of fools. And God! Their creative slogans.. waise there are some I just loved. And then you'll see them wearing 100 kgs ka garland and holding swords imitating some Maratha Hero with trembling hands.

So, the shoe drama was awesome. It brought Chidambaram directly in the league of Presidents of some great countries like US and China. The only thing that dampened the charm was that the shoe he got was of Reebok, Bush got a Nike :(

But I think to make the news bigger, Chidambaram should have responded quickly and have asked for the other shoe.. that would have reflected the true spirit of an Indian: Exploiting every resource to fullest. But what happened to that sardar ji.? I recommend a patriotic test for him. We Indians are known for keeping stationery, napkins and soap bars in our pockets as memoirs, whenever we go to five star hotels.. then how can an adna-sa-reporter throw a Reebok shoe and spoil his pair, that too for a politician. That is so unIndian.

Anyways. He got what you may not get even after working for society for many years - the ticket for Lok Sabha. Now, this is definitely so Indian.

The other awesome show is by Gandhi Brothers - Rahul and Varun. They both look quite similar to each other. Very fair and very dumb. And while Rahul can be taken as a model for Lip Guard (due to his dimpled smile), Varun reminds me of Osama without turban, I appreciate his energy level. But the younger bro really stole the show. In one jhataka, he joined the Modi Club, while Rahul Baba still needs Priyanka for his promotion.

Ab Chalegi Badlav ki Aandhi,
Narendra Modi, Varun Gandhi.

.. wow ..

I don't understand, why doesnt Priyanka Gandhi join the party and give Congress a respectable leadership. Soniya and Rahul has done a lot of kachra, I tell you. I am amused by the Congressians' pateince. Even after knowing that both their star campaigners are big time jokers, they still worship them religiously... or may be they don't have any choice. Interestingly, there is a section of youngsters, who has started appreciating congress for its young faces, but someone tell them... radiating skin and black hair can not make you a leader, neither they earn you the credibility to become the future of a country.

Modi is right.. "Budiya nahi toh Gudiya"

Btw, what kind of statement is this? "Rahul will definitely become the Prime Minister"?

Who's gonna decide the PM for this country? The citizens of the country or the member of a family, which never did anything other than playing politics, generations after generations.

And to add more masala.. She wants to see her brother becoming a groom before becoming the PM. And she won't play the role of a match-maker.. he'll have to find the bride himself. Wow! Awesome... emotions.. such a caring sister.. such an obedient brother.. and such a lovely family... how Indian!!

And now the most interesting - Bhay Ho! I loved it ;)

bhay ho.. bhay ho..
phir bhi jai ho..
aaja aaja voter is jhanse ke tale...
aaja aaja jhute muthe wade ke tale..

bhay ho.. bhook ho

Ratti ratti karke hamane jaan gawai hai..
Bhooke pet jaag jaag raat bitai hai..
mandi ki maar main naukri ganwa di
gin gin wade hamane zindagi bita di..
mandi ho.. atank ho.. mehangai ko ....
phir bhi jai ho...

Yeh sab sirf Indian political campaigning main hi ho sakta hai... needless to say, media toh pagal ho hi chuka hai... I love India a lot!

Aah.. Pheelasphee!!!!

2009-04-11T23:51:00.005+05:30

Sometimes we want something so much in life and at one fine moment, we find that our wish is on the verge of fulfillment. Then, all of a sudden, something happens; and we ask ourselves, do we really want it?

I don't know if we really want it or may be we have started loving that wait and the thought that very soon this wait will be over, discomforts us. Who knows what is going to come out, after the clouds are cleared? There is a charm in uncertainty too. Trust Me.

Sometimes you walk alone, because you do not want anyone to walk with you. May be because, you have accepted something... or may be because, you have refused to accept something. How does it matter... till the result is same.

You know what is the first lesson God teaches us , the moment we come in this wide world. "You have come alone, you'll go alone.. and the moment you'll understand this... you'll never be lonely again".

If you too do not feel like sleeping and the moon outside your window has gone tired of looking at you and your heart urges you to listen to it... believe that the moment has come.. some luggage has to be shed off!!

When the blue night is over my face,
on the dark side of the world in space,
when I'm all alone, with the stars above..
you are the one, I love....

gar wo boond bhi mil gai hoti sagar main..
to kahan se wo moti hota..

tanhai ki bhi apni wajah hoti hai...

Past and Present, indefinite!

2009-04-08T22:51:00.003+05:30

Interestingly, many people are finding me out on facebook these days. Interesting because, I made an account on facebook soon after it came into existence and then never checked it. Gradually, I forgot that I even belong to there. But recently when a friend said that he saw my profile there, I realised that it was the mistake of my one of those hyper-curiosity-convulsive moments, when I used to have an urge of opening an account on every website present in the world. There was a time, when I used to maintain 18 different email IDs, three different chatting accounts for gtalk, yahoo, skype and MSN, two usernames for orkut - one for personal , other for professional contacts and 7 blogs: 5 on blogspot, one on rediffiland and one on wordpress. 90 % of these accounts had the same username and password and once a colleague forgot to which account he should send the mail so he sent it to namratabharat@gmail, yahoo.com, yahoo.co.in, hotmail.com etc etc.. and guess what?? I got the mail in most of them :D

Gradually, the workload increased and it became difficult to manage so many usernames. So, I stopped checking most of them at all. I changed my passwords also and maintained a record of what belongs to which. I am very poor in keeping things private, either I forgot them at all as in the case of passwords, or I tell them to everybody as in the case of secrets , which I keep on leaking expecting people that they wont tell it to any one else.

Since it is next to impossible for people to find me on orkut, I was taken aback when a very very old friend contacted me through a social networking site.... facebook. We were classmates in primary school and actually shared that typical-bachpan-ki-dosti. We actually had a gudde-gudiya ki shaadi, and I also remember that for a school function she was made my wife. I don't remember the class, but I think it happened when we were in class 4.

So, after finding me on facebook, she literally asked me to 'prove my identity'. Now, this was the first time in my life when someone was asking for a proof of my identity and I did not want to miss that glamorous opportunity so I wrote her a emotional biography of how we use to live together like true sisters and how my parents used to scold me because she always scored better marks, and how she used to boast about her food, whereas, mine was always better than hers; how our classteacher used to ask her to bring attendance book, chalk and duster, making her feel important because she knew her family; and how much I was impressed by her dance; and how much we used to enjoy being at the terrace of her new house; and how much I used to think that we will always be together.. taken from classroom to dance class to playground to friend's house.

Obviously she was overwhelmed by such a dramatic emotional expression of my heart... it certainly gave her the impression that our love has not decreased even by an iota, even though we have not heard from each other for almost 15 years now. She wrote me... "main tujhe kitne saaloon se talaash kar rahi thi... aur tu finally yahan mili". I felt really good, because no body has looked for me for years... thanks.. its a different feeling and becasue I am so happy I can say .. ok, your food was not significantly low in quality when compared to mine. That friend got married few years back and now has a daughter, and since I still remember her childhood face I can say that the baby looks exactly like her mother.

At times, I feel all the moments we have lived in our past are still very much alive. It's just that we have moved ahead and deliberately lost touch with them. But sometimes, a blow of wind comes and we realise that we still are as innocent, childish, stupid, curious, funny and carefree as we used to be when we were 5-years old. Just a little dusting and the mirror gives you your true image!

Joying to live, I joyed to die !!

2009-03-29T18:59:00.002+05:30

Now when the number of my years
Is all fulfilled, and I
From sedentary life
Shall rouse me up to die,
Bury me low and let me lie
Under the wide and starry sky.
Joying to live, I joyed to die,
Bury me low and let me lie.

Clear was my soul, my deeds were free,
Honour was called my name,
I fell not back from fear
Nor followed after fame.
Bury me low and let me lie
Under the wide and starry sky.
Joying to live, I joyed to die,
Bury me low and let me lie.

Bury me low in valleys green
And where the milder breeze
Blows fresh along the stream,
Sings roundly in the trees -
Bury me low and let me lie
Under the wide and starry sky.
Joying to live, I joyed to die,
Bury me low and let me lie.

- By Robert Louis S

The first cross in the bucket list

2009-03-25T22:29:00.004+05:30

The summer internship is about to start and I am joining BJP. Sounds like a dream, no? Sometimes your destiny takes you on a road you have only thought of and you decide to walk on it, just out of sheer madness of your character. I love my impulsive nature, though it has earned me lots of defame and misunderstandings, yet it is what that makes me myself in the truest sense. What I’ll be if I just stop doing what I love doing without thinking about the past, present and future. A lot of people try to become like me… but just as I can’t be them, they can’t be me either. This again has earned me a tremendous loss of good friends, but.. it happens!

So, when I decided to join BJP as a management trainee for two months, a lot of jaws dropped, except of my mom, dad, Neeru aunty and my two best friends. May be now they have started believing in me, otherwise what else can be the reason that they did not ask me any questions or suspect my decision or tagged me that I am confused, suggested me to join a corporate house or ask me what am I going to do in BJP, just because they exactly knew what I am going to do in BJP. Thanks ma, pa, aunty, Anu and Manjari. I love you all so much. Today I realise what it means to have family support.

So, initially… a lot of jaws dropped.. what the hell am I gonna do in politics.. It’s dirty.. It’s not related with our curriculum… how will you justify your choice during placements… you may not get good people.... you are not from IIMs… blah blah blah. Hey hold on people… life is much more than classroom studies and placement worries.. similarly, management education is much more than ‘typical’ business offices and classroom lectures. And now when so many people are appreciating my decision… I wonder what has made other students to contact me personally and request if they can have some project too.

Anyway. We can’t help those who do not dare to act differently. How long is thinking differently going to help us? For eras we are reading that if something bad has to happen, it will happen.. then why do we worry so much. Isn’t initial carefulness enough that we must think of before putting a step ahead… or is it necessary to keep our dogmas within and still believe that the world will be a wonderful place one day. Sometimes I doubt if these motivational quotes, speeches or texts really help somebody, or if they do, then the number is any bigger than that counted on fingertips?

I really wish… everything falls in place in the next two months and I manage to realise the dream I am seeing and cherishing for last so many years. Being a part of a strong national political party during the Lok Sabha elections. Aahh! I am overwhelmed. Let’s see how the wonder unfolds and I’ll keep on flooding my blog with many never-before experiences.

Love you very much, dear God.

2009-03-25T00:46:00.003+05:30

The next twelve hours and first year of my MBA will be over.
Unimaginable! I have survived one year... and I did pretty well...
The moment next to this holds for me the best, life has to offer, I know this.

I wish I can go to Haji Ali now. Dear God, please fix a visit. Its time!

2009-03-21T20:03:00.000+05:30

Never give all the heart, for love
Will hardly seem worth thinking of
To passionate women if it seem
Certain, and they never dream
That it fades out from kiss to kiss;
For everything that's lovely is
But a brief, dreamy, kind delight.
O never give the heart outright,
For they, for all smooth lips can say,
Have given their hearts up to the play.
And who could play it well enough
If deaf and dumb and blind with love?
He that made this knows all the cost,
For he gave all his heart and lost.

- William Butler Yeats

Hazaron Khwahishein Aisi!!

2009-03-21T02:25:00.003+05:30

One of the movies that has portrayed Naxalist movement in its vulgarly true form is Hazaroon Khwahishein Aisi. Many people think that it is a movie that shows you some dark desires of a woman, who indirectly acts as protagonist by being the driving force behind some major incidents. Even the director Sudhir Mishra thinks so, he told me this, when I had interviewed him, once.

However, I take this movie as an honest illustration of energetic and misguided youngsters, infact, the college pass-outs in a better sense. Every generation witnesses some of such rebels. Misguided does not mean that they were taken on a wrong path by the force of some revolutionary strong words. By this I mean, they were taught to see a right destination, but were never told how to reach there.

I do not know where the fault is. This confusion, fear of taking decisions and submitting to compromises is not something that only our generation is seeing. It has remain there for a long long time and in worst forms. But why?

I believe that no revolution can even reach its stage 2 if it does not have the student's power. They are such an immense source of energy that their not being a part of an action is unimaginable. At least to me. And I have seen that you always have sufficient number of youngsters to stand with you, whenever you want to step ahead and take The Decision. Yet we have a long list of failed social movements. Perhaps, this list stands as a dampener for every new effort. Sadly, it continues to increase.

Seeing the latest, Mandal II fiasco, I can most definitely say this country is not at all ready for any change. May be no country accepts any big change till it becomes indispensable for it to accept it. May be if Gandhi ji had not been thrown out of the train, he would have never become what he became. Who knows?

Presently, we Indians are enjoying our times. We know things are not perfect, but we have started loving the imperfections. We do not want things to change. We want to get them better. But what betterment? We do not know. Everyone does not have vision. We do have our dreams, which we proudly announce as 'our own way of bringing a change'. Unfortunately, people who write on blogs or mails or have yahoo groups and forums to discuss these prospective changes are not the ones who actually suffer.

The gap between the haves and havenots has got so big that a lot of people of my generation do not even consider that havenots do exist. They have not seen them. They do not know what can be the extent of lawlessness, because in their case it never went beyond eve-teasing or theft or at the max a murder.

Sometimes, I think a day should come in the life of all of us, where we starve and we do not have anything to eat. Then may be we'll realise the thought process of those havenots. In one of his books, CK Prahalad considers the bottom of the social pyramid, the people living under BPL as the ones with high enterprenerial skills. I liked that line. But I have serious issues with why the heck we are gauged by our average income and purchasing power. When we talk about underdeveloped India, we come to slums and BPL. I agree they need immediate attention and all blah blah blah. But these are the people who may not have opportunities, they do have dreams. What about that India, where people do not even have dreams?

Why do all of us want to go to villages and teach students. People are doing such things for ages. Yet things have not gone better in true sense. We need some substantial and some real big steps. We need visions.... individual dreams would not make the impact we need. We need to bring people together. Its about synergy, its about unity. We want people to walk with us..... but I think, its the time when we should become those people, who are ready to walk with you. Somebody has to start.

My Shadow!

2009-03-16T21:26:00.000+05:30

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.

The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow--
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an india-rubber ball,
And he sometimes goes so little that there's none of him at all.

He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close behind me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!

One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

- Robert Louis Stevenson

I know, I Rock!

2009-03-16T02:26:00.005+05:30

Opened my poem diary, today ... last entry was made during the Jurassic period. Bad! We often lose contact with our true selves and then make complaints that we have not remained the same person any more.

I am writing poems soon after I started speaking. However, the documentation of this self-styled writer's work began in Circa 1997, when her mother started getting loads of hand-written papers in and around her dustbin. She impatiently saw one of those, one day, expecting it to be a possible-trial of how to write a love letter by her growing daughter... but got much astonished to found a poem in that. Astonished because, everyone who has seen this writer's childhood never expected her to be connected with any literary activities, even remotely. But the writer is a smart creature and right from her childhood she is successfully fooling her friends, family, classmates, teachers and neighbours by her multifaceted personalities. Now after more than two decades of her existence on earth, they have been given enough shocks to believe that she can do anything.

So, the collection of those handwritten papers has now become thick enough to call myself a poet... and even if these little creations have still to earn an appreciator for themselves, I just want to tell this poet that "Baby! You Rock!!"

Just to share, the front page of this diary holds the two best statements I have ever heard , which also stand as the philosophy of my life.

"While faith makes all things possible, it is love that makes all the things easy" - Evan H. Hopkins

and,

"God has bigger plans for me, than I have for myself" - Don't know, who said such wonderful words.

So.. .now I sign off and enter into that wonder world.

One more oldie....

This is something I made when I was trying my hands on paint tools.. I called it Constitution of Morocco.. You can call it, whatever you want..

Thank you, for picking up the call ..

2009-03-15T11:06:00.003+05:30

Just imagine... someone calls you up at 3:10 in the night, when you are deep asleep and says, "can I please talk to you... I was desperately needing somebody, just to talk...", and before you can realise what is happening, the person starts crying badly... and I mean, real bad. And after 33 seconds of this cry-out-loud, the person repeatedly asks you sorry for calling you at this hour and waking you up... and abruptly disconnects the phone that he or she will talk to you tomorrow morning.

How would you feel?

Obviously... weird to different degrees.

Actually, last night I did that :(

I am sorry Neeru Aunty for a freaking call.... but you appeared to be the only person in the list of my 181 contacts, whom I thought could help me. I had not slept for two nights and I needed someone to listen to me. Thank You and Love you a lot :)

a page from my diary

2009-03-15T02:04:00.002+05:30

Sometimes I think people just don’t deserve us, because they cannot handle such a high level of commitment and selflessness. Because they know they cannot match it and hence they pretend to overlook it. But somewhere, even they know that with each passing day they are becoming smaller and smaller. They cannot accept it, but they cannot ignore it, either. And then they chose to ignore the people who make them feel bitter about themselves. The best way could be to remove the bitterness and become the one they fear of. But that requires a high amount of courage and the highest amount of selflessness; and the path is certainly difficult. So, they choose the easier one. They stop looking at the people, they know, they can never become.